What’s That Skip?

On the eve of Australia Day I want to pay tribute to my favourite Australian TV show. When I was very small the only program I was allowed to watch was Skippy The Bush Kangaroo. Skippy was furry pretty and I believed that animals understood me better than humans. (I used to dress my dog in blue shorts and a red Top Cat T-shirt). In the days before video recorders and DVD players, my mother had to bribe my older siblings with lollies if we returned home after Skippy had been aired that day. If I found out I’d missed seeing an episode of Skippy my tantrums were spectacular. I’ve recovered now that I can watch episodes on youtube, but I still want to be Clancy.

Skippy, Skippy, Skippy my friend ever true. Even the theme song is brilliant.


The Prophet – Single Mother translation

In his epic poem, The Prophet, Khalil Gibran summed up beautifully what is special in this life.

Children.

“a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “speak to us of children,” and he said:

Your children are not your children.

You’ve just leased them until they are 18 on a ridiculously expensive payment plan

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

Well, actually Khalil I created them in my body, as a man you may not get the enormity of that concept. And as I recall they ripped right through me.

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

Especially when they are online chatting with their friends

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

Except when they haven’t done any homework or housework or don’t text you when they said they would, then you can give them a few choice thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

They surely do, especially the 14 year old girls

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

Even when their bodies are dressed like white trash bimbo pole dancers

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

Except when they are selling their souls to Facebook and tumblr and you are paying for the internet access. Then you can get your friends to spy on their blogs.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

Note to Lou: please don’t dress like your 15 year old daughter, you will look like mutton dressed as mutton. And teenage daughter will not borrow my ruched bright 1980s clothing.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

There is nothing you can do about breeding with someone who is located very far down the food chain, so don’t waste time regretting it.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

So your scrubbing, washing and bending over backwards will go unnoticed by everyone except your girlfriends who understand the toil and the sacrifices of single motherhood.

For even as he loves the arrow that flies,

So I teach my children that love flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana

so he loves also the bow that is stable.

All mothers must be stable according to Khalil. No drunken party animals need apply. That means I’m out of a job then.


Resolution Time

Apparently 31 December is a great time to make wishes for the coming year. I am taking this very seriously. I have decided as of 1 January 2013 I will give up Lindt Balls for breakfast and eat them only for dinner. Beetroot is also off my list because it tastes like dirt. And energy drinks, I tried my first one on Christmas Eve eve this year and I have resolved to never consume any beverage that tastes like cough medicine again. Hopefully I will think of a few more of these very serious resolutions for my healthy new life between now and the start of the Chinese New Year. 2013 is the Chinese Year of the Water Snake, so starting 10 February (or perhaps 1 January if the mood takes me) I will whisper sweet nothings, giggle more with my darling friends, play cricket on the beach, swim like a mermaid, yell less, behave like a model mother, practice my ukulele more, dance in the rain, tiptoe through the tulips (although I prefer gardenias), read more funny novels and write a cracking book. And shed some skin if I spend too much time at the seaside.


Let Your Heart Be Light

The silly season is upon us. Hello Santa, Merry Christmas and Happy Channukah. This has been an exhausting, challenging, mad year for many of my loved ones. Peace to all.


Don’t Give Up

I am blessed to have many beautiful friends in this life. Today two brave friends went through a terrible ordeal and will need to find the strength to overcome vast pain. I am thankful for my beautiful friends and all they have endured. I will be there when you need me


To Save A Child

This is an incredible project. Let’s help these guys save children


Happy Birthday Anna Mae

Tina Turner was born today in 1939. She is one of my heroes. When I was a teenager I read Tina Turner’s memoir I, Tina and I was inspired by her strength and resilience. Now I have recovered from my own abusive relationship with the help of a domestic violence counsellor, I realise how strong Tina Turner must have been to withstand regular abuse, be a mother and go on stage acting like nothing had happened for years. She is a role model for women everywhere.

I have learned from reading about Tina’s beatings at the hands of Ike that I must sing my own song, which is part Sinead O’Connor, part Miss Piggy and part Karen Carpenter on crack. Happy Birthday Tina, I love your voice and your spirit


Re-blog: There’s nothing funny about rape

A great post

missaleksia's avatarI Totally Have A Blog

I’ve seen a few comedians pull off this seemingly impossible task from time to time. Louis CK has managed it (is there anything he can’t do?). Glenn Wool did it earlier this year at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, and he was one of my favourite acts.

However, the vast majority of the time, comedians who attempt humour around this particular topic get it horribly, horribly wrong.

Image

This is the poster for a now-cancelled event that was due to take place at Station 59. And yes, you’re reading it right: it was going to be called There’s Nothing Funny About Rape: A Comedy Debate, and it was going to feature an all-dude lineup.

Social media existed, people pointed out how FUCKING OFFENSIVE THIS IS, and the event was cancelled.

Hallelujah.

Enter one of the aspiring comedians who was going to be on the bill: Alan Driscoll.

Station 59’s…

View original post 1,246 more words


When your dreams are dying hold tight

In winter I spent a week at Varuna, the Writers’ House in the Blue Mountains west of Sydney. My fellow comedy authors Nicky Smith, Cameron White, Evin Donohoe and the very cheeky monkey Tim Ferguson and I had a great time workshopping ideas for scripts, stand up comedy, YA novels and a sitcom, laughing, eating great dinners and drinking red wine (just a little bit on our cereal in the mornings). At Varuna I realised how my writing is almost as important to me as my children. My dream is to get my books published. I’m getting closer by the minute. I left Varuna inspired to continue my life of comedy, writing and clowning.

Whenever I think I’m not going to make it through the day or that life is just too hard, this song comes on the car radio


I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby

Living with a teenager feels like I have paid someone to hang shit on me every day. It’s great for my self worth to have someone tease me at regular intervals.

In the fashion stakes I’m in the mode of upgrading from slurry single mummy to fashionista, lead by my teenage daughter. She wears loads of make up. I don’t. She has clothes all over her bedroom floor. I try not to. I also try hard not to have tantrums about my needs not being met.

My wardrobe is improving but I wear Crocs to work. Just to make my teenager squirm. So daggy, but so practical. I bought my teenage fashion victim, I mean queen, a pair of Croc boots. She won’t wear them. Lucky I bought them in my size. This song is for you darling