Wish list for Santa
Posted: November 1, 2011 Filed under: FOOD, LOVE, Self improvement, SONGS, Theme Songs | Tags: Christmas list, Eartha Kitt, Letter to Santa, Lindt chocolate, Mensa, Santa, Santa Baby, wish list Leave a commentI know it’s early but here is my most wanted present list:
1. Hydraulic crane bra to thrust boobies up and out. I want to be able to rest my chin on them when I’m tired.
2. New brain or Mensa member’s if secondhand.
3. Long, white porn star fingernails and a slave for chores so I won’t break nails.
4. Children who feed, clothe and bathe themselves, and walk to school safely.
5. New pelvic floor.
6. Home that cleans itself (with no mortgage)
7. Lifetime supply of Lindt chocolate balls
8. Annual foreign holidays with swarthy, sexy stranger
I must send a copy of my list to Santa.
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Computer Says No
Posted: October 17, 2011 Filed under: Self improvement, Thought For the Day | Tags: Apple, dysfunctional hard drive, Mac Leave a commentHello dear thousands of (well 8 or 9) people who regularly read my blog, I have a VIA (very important announcement): the hard drive on my computer is cactus (technical term, Google it for clarification), which means my blogging, editing and writing life is curtailed for now. So my blog will be a little like a Twitter feed until my beloved laptop ‘puter returns from the fabulous, fast, hard working, hot (I’m stretching the truth a little, but trying to butter him up so he’ll hurry) computer geek. In a brilliant example of my comedy timing I of course picked the day the new iPhone 4S was released as the ideal day to go to the Apple Store. Pure Genius. So unless I steal, I mean borrow another computer it may be a few weeks until I can post a lengthy piece. Thank you for your patient devotion.
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These boots aren’t made for walking
Posted: September 7, 2011 Filed under: Self improvement, SONGS | Tags: acupuncture, Boots are made for walking, Nancy Sinatra Leave a commentI went out dancing with a bunch of wild gay men. It was a night of jazz hands, time steps, kick ball change, Solid Gold poses and lots of throwing each other in the air (almost). I got home at five in the morning with a…throbbing pain in my knee. Maybe I’m too old to dance all night in high heels. But I thought, ‘I’ll get acupuncture, that’ll fix it.’
I love my acupuncturist. He has seen me through many traumas. He can tell when my monkey mind needs to be quiet. I turn up stressed and carrying on, lie down on the table and he sticks a needle right into the cranky part of my forehead. Some people call it the third eye. Acupuncture is great for emotional dramas too. Ladies, the best way to get over a needle-phobic man is to have acupuncture. So I’ve started going every week. But at my last appointment Mr Acupuncture looked at my Mexican cowboy boots and shook his head. He said my boots are hurting my feet and my spine. So apparently my boots aren’t made for walking…
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Single mother club
Posted: September 4, 2011 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, Self improvement, Single, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, blog, Crazy, Gnarls Barkley, happy single mothering, Homage to single mothers, Me, Men, mental health of single mothers, single mother dreaming, single mother sanity, single mother sanity savers, single mother struggles, single mother tips, single mother truths, Single mothers, single mummies, single mums with attitude, yummy mummies 1 CommentI am a member of an association I didn’t want to join. A card carrying crazy haired mummy in tracksuit pants, wearing bare feet, I am doing single motherhood the feral way. According to studies, single motherhood is not a pathway to physical nor mental wellness, more like emotional chaos.
My family was way ahead of the trend when it comes to single mothering. My paternal grandmother and my maternal great grandmother were both single mothers way before it became fashionable. When I am exhausted I think of my dad’s mother raising two children on her own in the 1930s and 40s, a time when single parenting was not chic. She couldn’t open a bank account nor get a loan because she had no husband.
My mission is to share the joys of single parenting. I don’t mind being single, it’s the single parenting I struggle with. My friends tell me I should be looking for the next man I’m going to break up with, but right now I think it is
Better to be alone than in bad company
I don’t want to be a single mum cougar, ogling young men on a Saturday night. Young men who are emotionally living on another planet. And their taste in music is appalling. I don’t want a grandpa either, I’m not that desperate.
But I’m sure I’m not the only single smother who behaves like a debauched old tart when the children stay at their father’s girlfiend’s place.
I don’t like to bash men on my blog, just tenderise them…
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Spring has sprung something stupid
Posted: September 1, 2011 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement, SONGS | Tags: 1 September, Christmas, gardenias, mating season, Nancy Sinatra, Something Stupid, Spring Leave a commentToday is the first day of spring down under. My garden is yawning and waking up. The gardenias will be in bloom soon, filling my house with their divine aroma. Spring is the time to breed like rabbits, spring clean and turn over a new leaf. The days will get longer and warmer and mating season begins. But we must hurry, there are only 115 shoplifting days until Christmas.
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A lesson in humility
Posted: August 24, 2011 Filed under: Parenting, Self improvement | Tags: Chinese astrology, Fire Horse, humility, joys of parenting, lessons from kids, parenting, parenting kids with large personalities, what children teach mothers 2 CommentsMy Menace is little but she could punch anyone’s lights out. She is skinny but very strong. When she wears a dress I think, don’t be fooled by the facade, she is really a warrior. On the weekend I was trying to make her clean her bedroom.
“I don’t like this doggy,” she said, then threw her stuffed toy that looks like road kill at me.
“Mama, I’m a monkey, what are you?” she said.
“I’m a horse,” I said.
“A dead horse.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.
“No, actually in Chinese astrology I’m a fire horse.”
“No, you’re a dead horse, Mama.”
Most days I forget to laugh with my kids. Mothers take themselves very seriously.
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August 8 birthdays
Posted: August 8, 2011 Filed under: Self improvement, SONGS | Tags: August 8 birthdays, Dustin Hoffman, Vanessa Amorosi Leave a commentVANESSA AMOROSI and DUSTIN HOFFMAN
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Le Tour de France
Posted: July 2, 2011 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: cycling, French countryside, Tour de France, Vive la France 2 CommentsLadies start your engines, the Buns on Bikes tour is about to start. What is not to love? 21 days of watching tight, perspiring bottoms in lycra, beautiful French villages, sexy accents and panoramic scenery (the route changes every year). Viewing the Tour de France on TV is a veritable smorgasbord for confirmed couch potatoes. Especially in Australia, where, because of the time difference, it is aired on late night TV in winter. So work up a sweat on the sofa dressed in yellow jersey, with a glass of French something or other and a bite of croque Monsieur. Vive la France!
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SEARCHING FOR AN OLOGY I BELIEVE IN
Posted: April 7, 2011 Filed under: Birthdays, Self improvement | Tags: birthdays, chakras, chocolate, George Cadbury, Mama Cass, numerology, Oprah, personality testing, pregnancy, rebirthing, scientology, searching for an ology, searching for meaning, self help, self help books, self help fads, self helpless, shared birthdays, spiritual gurus, there's one born every minute, Twiggy Leave a commentIn my 20s I was a sucker for every ology being spruiked on a street corner by a charlatan. It was the 90s after all. I veered between the ‘I don’t give a rats’ slacker culture and the personal growth ‘I want to find myself, that’s enough about me, what do you think of me?’ ethos. There’s a sucker born every minute and at 4am on the 19th of September that sucker was me.
I tried rebirthing, chakra realignment, reading tea leaves, chanting, and I even looked into the bollocks that is numerology. I took a personality course at the ‘church’ of Scientology. I discovered I only had a personality when I drank like an Australian cricketer on tour. I spent thousands on courses and tapes and CD’s and behavioural analysis bullshit instead of investing in cheap Sydney property. Then when I was 29 I embarked on a breeding program. I had big whopper babies, all overdue, so I read lots of intellectual tomes in my fourth trimester, like Get A Life, No Idea and Women’s Monthly magazines. One day I read an article about birthdays and their meaning so I decided to harness the power of celebrity to give my life some direction (five pregnancies will do that to your brain).
I discovered I share a birthday with Twiggy and Mama Cass (I’m somewhere in between them size wise), but my spiritual guru also shares my birthday. George Cadbury. He was a chocolate maker and philanthropist. The charity I work for is sponsored by you guessed it…Cadbury. It’s a sign. So as Oprah would say I’ve found my destiny. I was put on this earth to consume chocolate, preferably the expensive stuff.
Who do you share your birthday with? Maybe they can give your life the direction it needs. Which personality traits do you share with a celebrity?
loupollard 