Dreams can come true
Posted: December 17, 2013 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: beyond tired, Black Coffee - k.d.lang, Christmas drinks, don't dream it, dream analysis, dreams, Dreams coming true, full moon crazy ideas, insomnia, single mother exhaustion, Smotherhood, tired beyond belief, weird dreams, zombie mothers 2 CommentsSingle motherhood and tiredness go hand-in-hand but this week has been a doozy. The full moon brought bizarre dreams, insomnia and crazy ideas spinning in my head. This week I turned into zombie mother with visions of weirdness every night.
In one dream I opened a tiny white cardboard box in my undie drawer and found a singing bug, some kind of mite whose 10,000 cousins decided to sing opera with him. I’m sure it was a him. I tried to close the box but every time I shut it, the mite and his mates forced the box open so they could keep singing. Who knew Christmas drinks could cause those kind of dreams? I don’t even have an undie drawer. Egg nog anyone? Bottoms up
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High and low lights 2013
Posted: December 15, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, COMEDY, Self improvement | Tags: 2013 year in review, A life well lived, Andaman Sea Thailand, births and deaths, Ciel - stand up comic, crazy 2013 year of turmoil, Deborah Abela, everyday sexist remarks, family holidays where no one fights, feminism, Feminist role models, foal burgers, Frank Sinatra - My Way (Live in London 1971), great teachers, Highlights of 2013, horse meat scandal, I am Malala, lover not a fighter, Malala, MONA Hobart, NELSON MANDELA, North Shore Relay For Life, One Direction, One Direction world domination, Philippine disaster, rape culture, reading, Russian meteor shower, singing dancing and Clown Doctoring, Sydney Fringe Festival 2013, Tasmania, US fiscal cliff, visionary leaders, Wendy Davis feminist hero, wrecking ball, Writers 6 CommentsWhat an insane year this has been, challenging, difficult, fabulous at times. Lots of kooky things happened in 2013. Apparently astrologically this can be blamed on something up Uranus
In February I lost my lovely friend (my favourite mother in law) and my children lost their favourite grandma in a terrible accident. She was a feisty feminist warrior, an artist and activist and we miss her
I took my munchkins overseas for the first time all together on a family holiday to visit my big brother and we loved it. We had a magical time; boat rides, 1000s of fish, gigantic snails, night markets, turtles, puffer fish, swimming, strange smells, diving, making new friends, eating fabulous Thai food and meeting the marvellous Sister Joan at Presentation Slums Mission in Bangkok. Life is about being with the people you love and telling them how special they are to you
I swam with fish in the Andaman Sea
I kissed a boy and I liked it
When I was MC for North Shore Relay for Life in March I took a bunch of local school kids up to the RNS Hospital cancer ward to sing for the adult patients. So beautiful and so sad. The questions from the kids in the lift on the way down were heartbreaking
I spent the winter writing comedy and workshopping my stuff with the fabulous Ciel. Then in September I had a fantastic time performing in three shows for the Sydney Fringe Festival including a show with my daughters and my solo stand up comedy show
I visited Tasmania for the first time and made great new friends and had a fabulous visit with an old friend. And I went to MONA in Hobart, what an art collection
I spent four days of madness and laughter with my Clown Doctor sisters and brothers and we giggled, played, danced and cheered each other up muchly
Australians got distracted by Twitter and stupid reality TV shows and forgot to hold their political leaders to account on environmental policies. Oops, there goes the Great Barrier Reef and our pristine wilderness
The entertaining children’s author Deborah Abela came to my daughters’ school and ignited a passion for reading in my youngest child. Thank you Deborah
My girls marched closer to adulthood as I learned to let go
The music of One Direction invaded my house like a wrecking ball
In Australia we had a federal election campaign that went on for 50 years (actually seven months but it felt like a gazillion times that). Australians voted against a vain PM and we ended up with Mr Misogynist refugee hater as our new prime minister
A magazine editor thought that a campaign featuring ladies not wearing any make up would empower women
I learned how to play more than three chords on my ukulele and sang funny songs with the beautiful families of very sick children in hospital
Damn, I forgot to marry for money
Around the world lots of crazy shiz went down:
In Britain there was scandal when the horse meat of the apocalypse was declared the national dish. Foal burger anyone?
Russians took a meteor shower
Mansplaining became the word du jour for more than a day
More women said ‘enough is enough I can’t go on’ (in the words of Barbra Streisand), and joined the fight for equal pay as feminists the world over marched closer to the imaginary land of Equality
In the US everyone stood near the fiscal cliff and peered over. Except the billionaires who were too busy raping and pillaging the country
In the Philippines a huge storm killed thousands and wiped out entire villages. MSF and many other charities restored our faith in human nature
Saudi women got behind the wheel and showed that women can drive too
Wendy Davis filibustered her way into feminist history
A celebrity flashed her undies, bought new boobs, had a baby, married her best friend’s personal trainer after stealing him from his fiancee, they got divorced after two days, she adopted seven children from a yak herder in Mongolia and released a perfume line featuring photos of the children in various states of undress (I think). This received more media coverage than unimportant issues like the death of the great Nelson Mandela
Madiba passed away at the age of 95 and the whole world mourned because we have too few visionary leaders and too many greedy narcissists in positions of power
Malala Yousafzai celebrated her 16th birthday with an inspirational speech, “We cannot all succeed when half of us are held back”
All in all a wonderful year of chaos
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In another lifetime I would be….
Posted: December 12, 2013 Filed under: LOVE, SONGS | Tags: coveting her style, Dolly Parton, Dolly Parton songs, Dolly Parton style, envy, Kenny Rogers, love songs, lust, Sheena Easton, We Got Tonight - Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers live 1985, what's not to love? Leave a commentDolly Parton, but in this clip I can’t decide whether I want to be Kenny or Dolly.
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Karma
Posted: December 9, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement, Theme Songs | Tags: action, breathe, Buddhist teachings, Daisaku Ikeda, dirty deeds, driving the karma bus, forgiveness, I ask myself, Karma, Karma Police, like a detuned radio, love, mindfulness, mirrors, peace, Radiohead, reaction, sanskrit, single mother sanity, this is what you get, time is more powerful than you, universal laws, yoga Leave a commentAccording to recent traffic reports the karma bus is coming with it’s engine revved and I’m not in the driver’s seat.
“It is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.”
― Daisaku Ikeda
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Trendy
Posted: December 3, 2013 Filed under: ART, AUSTRALIA | Tags: David Bowie - Fashion, earth shattering events, going with the herd, important PR campaigns, life changing marketing decisions, listen to me, Lou Pollard's incredibly accurate predictions that marketing people should pay a fortune for, major marketing trends 2013, major marketing trends 2014, marketing trends, the importance of surveys to human evolution, trends of 2013, trends of 2014, viral marketing 6 CommentsIt’s the end of the year, so it is compulsory to make a list of achievements and resolutions and laundry. As a full time marketing guru and on trend media professional, I like to make predictions on what will be hip and cool next week.
The big trends of 2013 were:
Sports people making a dick of themselves while under the influence or prescription and performance enhancing drugs
Teenagers discovered that the original song was better than the cover version recorded by X Factor and Nobody’s Got Enough Talent contestants
Politicians relied on charities to fund important equipment in hospitals
White Australians made racist remarks
Aboriginal people behaved graciously and tried not to punch said white people’s lights out after 200 + years of provocation
Australian politicians dribbled all over babies in the longest political campaign in the history of the universe
Pickled onions on crackers with plastic cheese became incredibly fashionable
Footy socks with thongs were huge this year in Paris
I think the big trends for 2014 will be:
Parents photographing their children’s farts to post online
Viral marketing will be huge in hospitals – think flu, herpes, chicken pox and ebola and small pox viruses
Brady bunch style families complete with housekeeper, wooden-panelled station wagons and friendly local butcher
Repetition could catch on in a big way in 2014
Flanellette underpants in summer
Football teams who take copious amounts of performance enhancing drugs may actually win a championship
Researchers will find a cure for politicians who take themselves too seriously
Global warming BBQs will be the hit of every neighbourhood
80s perms will make a comeback for one week in mid July
Repetition could catch on in a big way in 2014
Americans will realise that guns kill a lot of people
(C) Lou Pollard 2013
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Magic monkey
Posted: November 29, 2013 Filed under: Birthdays, LOVE, Parenting | Tags: 2004 births, 9th birthday, brave and smart girls, daughters, Frankie Goes To Hollywood - The Power of Love, funny and clever girls, funny kids, love, monkey children, November 29 birthdays, Sagittarius monkeys, strong girls, youngest child Leave a commentHappy birthday to my brave, hilarious, whacky little stunt woman, the girl who told me just the other day, “You don’t actually just grow mum, fairies help you grow.” I’m so glad I am your mama.
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Aussie Code of Conduct
Posted: November 27, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, TRAVEL | Tags: Aussie cricketers sledging the English cricket team, Aussie kultcha, Aussie lingo, Aussie national sports, Aussie sporting traditions, Australian cricketers, Australian customs, Australian politicians, Australian relationships with other countries, australian songs, Australian-Indonesian diplomacy, bastards, bewdiful Aussie names, bewdy mate, Christine Anu My Island Home, cricket, drinking competitions, in Australia consonants are optional, Ken Oath, Oztraylian, pollies, rich oral tradition, spying in Australia, wankers Leave a commentApparently the English cricket team and the Indonesian President are calling for a code of conduct for all future dealings with Australian cricketers and politicians. I think this is a great idea for anyone who has to deal with us Oztraylians, so here it is, The Official Aussie Code of Cultural Conduct:
1. One must learn to speak Australian, consonants are optional. Oztraylian is our national language, by order of Ken Oath
2. One must learn to eat like an Australian, we’re partial to a bit of goanna on the barbie in the arvo, so rip into it cobber
3. Saying ‘one must’ is very unAustralian, it sounds like you’re an up yourself Pommy bastard. Try not to sound like you learnt your English from the BBC.
4. Apart from the first Australians, we all came here by boat, so any visitors must wear a boater (even if you flew in) and we will call you a ‘boatie’
5. We have a rich oral tradition, sledging is very fashionable in Australia. If you want to fit in, call your new Aussie acquaintance a wanker or a bastard, it is a term of endearment. We also throw the C word around to describe our friends. If you’re gay you can call a friend a faggot, and I’ll answer with a smile if my girlfriends call me an old tart
6. Respecting our language means abbreviating everything, barbeque is barbie, afternoon is arvo, Anthony John Abbott is shortened to utter tool
7. Respecting Aussie culture means giving thanks to the first peoples of this land who have a rich history. The posh parts of Australia like Sydney that were developed by the whities are a little different to your country, but they are filled with kultcha. We have historical buildings that are 10 or 15 years old
8. Spying is a part of the Australian national ethos. We have bloody big backyards and if we didn’t spy we wouldn’t know when we could drop in on our neighbours to use their pool and have a free feed
9. Many Australians get pissed (it is practically compulsory) and say things we regret the next morning, and we often forget the time difference between our sunburnt land and other countries, so please forgive us for our big mouths and time delay. Drinking on an empty head and spinning a yarn in the hot sun was passed down by our fore fathers and mothers.
10. Our only truly national sports are naked backyard cricket mixed with drinking competitions. We would be honoured to compete against your country
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We leave our patients in stitches
Posted: November 23, 2013 Filed under: Clown Doctors, COMEDY | Tags: act like an idiot and get paid for it, Best job in the world, charity work, Clown Doctors appeal, Clown Doctors Australia, Clown Doctors on Guide To The Good LIfe, Dr Quack, giving is its own reward, Going to work is a privilege, I dress up, I love going to work, laughter is the best medicine, regular giving, silly doctors, we get more than we ever give, working for a charity is a gift 2 CommentsIt’s the start of the silly season and even in the hospitals I work in with really sick kids we love to celebrate at this time of year with a party or three. We visit children who become really sad when the medical staff tell them they won’t be going home for the holidays. They’re far from family and friends and need a lift. We’re often by their bedsides with Santa, TV celebrities, sports stars and various super heroes trying to divert and distract them with songs and giggles and presents. I will never tire of making kids laugh with smiles and silliness. Every time I see a child’s sad face light up my heart sings. I am so lucky to meet these marvellous families, doing my job is a privilege that I don’t take for granted.
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If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books…
Posted: November 19, 2013 Filed under: WRITERS, WRITING | Tags: Alain De Botton, Caitlin Moran, can't live without books, David Sedaris, DBC Pierre, Donna Tartt, Haruki Murakami, Henry David Thoreau, Jack Pollard Australian author, Jack Pollard books, Joan Didion, Lemony Snickert books, loaded on gin, must read books, never trust anyone who doesn't read, Quotes by John Waters, reading, reading addicts anonymous, reading by an open fire, reading is as important as breathing, Ryan Adams - Sylvia Plath, Stewart Lee, Tim Winton, to read list, William Shakespeare, Writers 4 CommentsShakespeare said we must, “unpack our heart with words.”
My name’s Lou and I’m a reader-holic. Reading keeps me sane but I don’t have enough time for all the books I’ve fallen in love with because I let trivial things like work and child rearing get in the way of my devotion to great literature. I’ll read anywhere; it’s not a problem. I take hours at the supermarket because I read every label. I scan the back of the cereal box at breakfast because I’ve taught my children it’s rude to read at the table. But really I’d be reading that too if I didn’t have to talk to them about their day.
My writer dad fostered my devotion to great books, when I was 11 he gave me Hemingway and Steinbeck to read and we talked about their writing. I still remember talking to Dad about the ocean being a character in Hemingway’s book The Old Man and The Sea when I was 12 years old. Books kept my dad’s mind alive through his deprived childhood and he treasured the craft of good writers.
This is a photo of the current to read pile beside my bed. The book at the top is what I’m reading right now. The one at the bottom is by my dad. My dad wrote or edited over 100 books. Reading is my family’s addiction of choice. There are so many books and so little time. When I’m really, really old I’m going to live in a house filled with furry dogs and books and an open fire. The dogs will force me to get out of the house to walk them otherwise I’d stay inside reading and never see the sun. You’re never alone when you have a great book to read. Henry David Thoreau said,
“Books must be read as deliberately and reservedly as they were written.”
But my favourite quote on reading is from Lemony Snickert:
“Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them.”
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World Records
Posted: November 16, 2013 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: beautiful kids, Dead Or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like A Record), Guinness Book of World Records, Guinness World Records Day, Happy mothering day, lucky mothers, record-breaking attempts, single mothering, world champion children Leave a commentToday is Guinness World Records Day. Today is the day single mothers must dare their children to set the world record for fastest bed making, most dinners cooked or the world record for the longest time a child of a single mother has ever gone without whinging about anything. Come on, I dare you
loupollard 