Nursery rhymes for single mothers and others
Posted: April 29, 2014 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell | Tags: calm single mothering, fabulous way to get children off to sleep, happy single mothering, lullabies for children of single mothers, mothers, Nursery rhymes, singing to children, single mother delusions, single mother sanity savers, single parenting advice, soothing sounds for children, THE DICKHEAD SONG (Revenge Song) by Miles Betterman 4 CommentsMy single mothering advice is gold, I am full of it. Don’t worry about buying expensive parenting books, for calm children administer nursery rhymes, they are cheaper than sedatives (for you and the kids).
If you see a little bunny and it’s nose is very runny
You think it’s very funny but it’s snot.
Lou Lou had a little girl, she had a bit of colic
She fed her vodka twice a day, now she’s alcoholic
If your children won’t stop crying, sing:
Roses are red, violets are blue, the smell of vomit reminds me of you.
Or what about?
My hair is alive with the bite of head lice
There were three in the bed and the little one said,
Roll over, roll over
So they all rolled over and my feet got cold
Roll over, rollover my super, walk the dog, defrost the freezer, feel guilty about the stuff you haven’t done. Roll over, play dead so you don’t have to change a nappy roll over.
Hey Diddle Diddle, my life’s in a puddle I can’t seem to get enough cash.
My kids need more food, but the rent is due so I can’t afford to splash.
I’ve spent all my dosh on school clothes and books and treated kids to some honey,
Luckily their father has a conscience, here comes my ex with lots of money
No stop me! That one is pure fantasy
Roses are red,
My teenage daughter’s bedroom smells
Not that I care,
But I could if I wanted to
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Isn’t she lovely?
Posted: April 24, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: beautiful daughters, Chinese Year of the Horse, clever kids, difficult middle child, empathetic and compassionate kids, fabulous people, favourite children, funny, funny and clever girls, funny kids, gorgeous, happy single mothering, horse children, made from love, on the day that you were born the angels got together, proud single mama, proud single mothers, single mother bliss, single mother celebrations, smart, Stevie Wonder - Isn't She Lovely & Sunshine Of My Life 4 CommentsIn late 2001 I was pregnant with my second daughter and I went to have an ultrasound. I’ll never forget the words of the sonographer who looked at the images of my tiny girl on the screen and said, “What a beautiful baby.” Yes, she is, inside and out. Happy 12th birthday, my gorgeous horse daughter Moo. I love you.
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Single mother ethical dilemmas
Posted: April 19, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, cheap single mothering, do single mothers have loose morals?, Eat your heart out Alain de Boton, Marvin Gaye - What's Going On, modern moral dilemmas, shopping with kids, single mama drama, single mama solidarity, single mother ethical dilemmas, single mother euphemisms, stealing or borrowing? 4 CommentsIs borrowing herbs and vegies from your neighbour’s garden to feed your kids helping your neighbour harvest?
Is going out with a friend’s ex a step too far, or simply husband recycling?
Is dressing like a dishevelled, slutty cougar a fashion felony or merely community service? It pays to advertise after all.
Is leaving your fighting children in the car at the shopping centre for 15 minutes while you dash into the shops wrong or the best thing to stop you shouting at them?
Is turning a blind eye in the supermarket fruit and veg section while your children gobble up the grapes and berries considered stealing or simply an affordable way to help your kids eat their five serves a day?
Will your toddler turn into a delinquent if you let them carry out their own eat what you find Easter egg hunt in your local shop 10 minutes before closing time on Easter Saturday? Or only if your child catches you hiding the foil wrappers from the security cameras?
Teenagers are expensive and cat food is cheap. Is telling your children that you make a ‘special meatloaf’ wrong?
Is it a crime to send your obviously underage 16 year old to the local RSL to win the meat tray raffle even though the slab of dead animal will feed your family for a week?
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Single Mother lexicon
Posted: April 13, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Guns N' Roses - Welcome To The Jungle, Homage to single mothers, single mamas, single mother delusions, single mother dictionary, single mother euphemisms, single mother lexicon, Single mother translation, Single motherhood, Single mothers, single mothers with attitude, single mummas, solo mothering 2 CommentsA is for Attitude. You’ll develop it after years of single motherhood
B is for Breeder’s regret, as in I picked him to be the father of kids? What was I thinking? Breed with a man not a boy
B is also for Bribery, a helpful device in the single mother tool kit
C is for Can I share custody with this man in five years time?
D is for Don’t know how you do it, translation: I don’t want your life, it looks too hard
E is for End of summer, a day celebrated by single mothers whenever children go back to school after months of holidays
F is for Frustration, i.e. speaking to any government department about collecting money for your kids from your children’s father
G is for Glamorous, what single mothers become when their offspring visit their father
H is for Halloween, lots of free lollies for your deprived children
I is for I’m a single mother this week, what coupled up ladies say when their partner is away for more than two days
J is for “Just wait ’til you become a mother.” Frequently said by single mums to their kids
K is for Know It All Children AKA other people’s children
L is for Long ago and far away I used to be young, free and sassy
M is for Mothering Monday, the second Monday in May. Easily the best day to receive bargain flowers, soap and sympathy. Boxes of sweet fancies go cheap on this day.
N is for No money until pay day
O is for Oh My God, tinned spaghetti again?
P is for Perfect families, fictitious people who make children of single mothers envious
Q is for Queen of budgeting
R is for Red Cordial, what you give your kids when they’re going to meet your ex’s new girlfriend for the first time
S is for Sanity, what you lose when you become a single mother
S is also for Schooligan
The little rat in your kid’s class with parents who insist their child is a saint
T is for Teens, the beasts your kids turn into before they become lovely adults who thank you for your sacrifices
U is for Unbelievable, the amount politicians think you can live on
V is for Vinnies, the clothing boutique of choice for most single mothers
W is for Wild side, staying up past 10pm on a school night
W is also for Would, as in I would talk to my ex but I don’t speak moron
X is for Exhausted, permanently
Y is for Y did I choose to live like this?
Z is for Zone Out: what single mums do when married breeders talk about their cleaner
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Pretendo
Posted: April 9, 2014 Filed under: LOVE | Tags: bad at love but good at funny, emotional baggage handler, imaginary boyfriends, love and other problems, made up relationships, sad lonely single mother seeks Mike Brady for blended dysfunctional family, single mother delusions, single mother dreaming, single mother fantasies, TLC - No Scrubs 4 CommentsA woman said to me at a party recently, “You really have to get it right when you’re picking the husband who is going to be the father of your children.” I wanted to punch her in the face and say, ‘thanks so much for reminding me that I’m a really bad picker. That’s why I went out of my way to choose someone who refuses to support his children.”
I’m such a bad picker it is best that I only have imaginary boyfriends. Last night as I reheated old beans for dinner, I said to I-mag boyfriend, ‘where are you when I need you?’ My fantasy boyfriend makes the bed, buys me expensive restaurant meals, takes out the garbage and doesn’t mind that I am a professional fool.
Maybe us old feminist gals don’t have time for in-real-life boyfriends. How can we plan the revolution when we’re busy whispering sweet nothings into someone’s hairy ear? Luckily social media saved me from my mad late night musings and I didn’t have to be depressed and alone for too long. Another new boyfriend sent me a Facebook message at midnight which just about saved my life:
Hello,I’m Justin jack ,an Engineer live in England a divorcee.Your profile caught my attention! You look so cute and charming, saw your profile and was moved with what i saw. I will like to know you more.I want to learn more about you.I wait for your response.
Oh yippee!
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I’ve got an app for that
Posted: April 4, 2014 Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: boring Facebook posts, Instagram, late night social media pursuits, Old Fart Book, Single mother bludging, single mother boredom, single mother dreaming, social media experiments, Spinal Tap - "Break Like the Wind", Tap Fart App, Twitter twatter Leave a commentBecause I am a sad lonely old stylish stuck at home single mother I spend far too many nights binge posting on social media until the wee hours. Fuelled by cheap leftover Christmas sherry, one night I posted, ‘used my boobs to get out of a speeding fine’ on Facebook as a joke with a friend who lives in another city. It was my most popular post. Ever. And it was complete bullshit. I was home in my pyjamas sitting on the couch at the time. The only car I’ve driven in recent memory was my mate’s 1995 Daihatsu which couldn’t earn me a speeding fine unless I poured Red Bull into the fuel tank. The comments posted were priceless:
How much did you have to use them and could you go into a lot of detail please?
I did that too. But on CityRail…
Good girl, me too.
Luv it, excellent choice
Very impressed – that would not work for me
Can I borrow them sometime?
My type of gal! Damn I wish I could use my man boobs for anything.
Well done. Excellent work
Well I’m not surprised- they are particularly nice tits
Lucky cop. I’m proud of you
My brother said ‘I can’t believe someone in my family has acted in this way.’ Never worked for me. Not once.
(.) (.) life is good! Go Lou
I’m giving that a go… I tried the ‘trouser” option once…
Well done. Make ’em useful I say!
Noice work. So proud x
Picture please
Good for you! I do that all the time
Is this your most liked post ever? One of my favourite posts for a long time, you go girl, use it or lose it
Now come on they were paired with your charm and intelligent banter I’m sure they don’t get all the glory. Go Cougar Woman!
As I was feeling the lurve from other Farcebook addicts, I realised us Gen X-ers are very easy to please on the interwebs, a fart joke, a petition to sign, a flash of boobs or a cute cat to watch keeps us happy and bantering for hours. Us old bags don’t need too much digital interference or constant tech updates, we need connection.
Maybe all the upgrades and downloads are a way for young geeks to justify their hours at work? Apparently the young whipper snappers are leaving Facebook in droves, turning the once hot social media site into old fart book, which may lead to a name change. Come to Old Fart Book where dreary status updates about your new vacuum cleaner are not only welcome but encouraged.
Sorry Facebook, it’s been fun, but I do think your popularity has peaked. And I think I’ve found the latest, greatest bit of tech wizardry. The app that’s really hot right now is ‘Tap And Fart’, I use it at work all the time, especially the squeezed fart.
loupollard 