Smothering
Posted: January 30, 2016 Filed under: Self improvement, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, back to school 2016, celebrity gossip, internet blockers, Nick Lowe-Cruel To Be Kind -1979, parenting, single mom advice, single mother fun, single mother instructions, single mother tips, single mothering, social media addiction, watching people playing Minecraft Leave a commentAs the childrens head back to school after the long summer holidays I have turned into tyrant mother. I’ve installed software that cuts off the internet, which is a shame because it is really cutting into my time-wasting watching inane crap on social media therapy. I am not the first parent to use the cruel to be kind parenting method (patent pending), but in the digital age us parents need help to conquer the gazing at pointless clips on youtube disease that has spread amongst our kids. My youngest loves watching people playing Minecraft. WTF? I guess that’s no different to my secret joy at reading celebrity gossip and looking at pictures of Brad and Angelina and pretending I have that kind of fantasy family life. My 13-year-old is so sleep deprived from reading all the late night messages from her friends I had to stage an intervention. She told me not to cut off the internet so she could complete her homework but I figure if she hasn’t done it by 10 at night it’s too late. I’m hoping my little technological helper will enable me to have a more rested and harmonious household. My gal may even read one of the novels she is supposed to study this year and I may get some work done.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TM4RtUo5s0g
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Smotherhood
Posted: January 21, 2016 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: AC/DC - Jailbreak (Live with Bon Scott), counting the days until kids go back to school, end of school holidays, single mom dreams, single mother ambitions, single mother fun, single mother getaway, single mother sanity, Single motherhood, Smotherhood, solo mothering 2 CommentsFights, tears and 210 hours of Monopoly later, I’m in a school holiday daze. I’m the head of my children’s entertainment committee and the acting head of catering but I’m looking forward to retirement from both those roles. Cooking is a chore and shouting, “get off the bloody computer” is becoming dull.
I have run out of low budget activities and if I read one more clean wholesome nutritious paleo educational fun advice for the latter part of the school holidays post on social media, I’ll scream at the smug happily married financially savvy yummy mummies who write them. Sigh. Next week I return to the tyranny of the school run. So much to look forward to in 2016. Today I am turning up the Ackadacka and dreaming of escape.
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Christmas recipes
Posted: December 24, 2015 Filed under: Single Motherhood, Uncategorized | Tags: Advice for single mothers, Christmas 2015, Christmas cooking, Christmas recipes, happy single mothering, single moms, Single mother cooking, single mother recipes, Wham Last Christmas Leave a commentSingle Mother Christmas Gingerbread House
Ingredients list:
Pre made kit from cheapo supermarket
Icing sugar
Gin
Lemons to taste
Valium (quantity as required)
Loud music
Helpful hints
Tablespoon of family argument regarding decorations
Swear Jar
Extended Family
Mix all ingredients on Christmas Eve and hope for the best
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Happy low budget Christmas
Posted: December 18, 2015 Filed under: Single Motherhood, Thought For the Day | Tags: Christmas Songs, Christmas songs with piss and vinegar, Happy Christmas, RIP Kirsty MacColl, single mother Christmas traditions, single mother holiday traditions, single mother low budget Christmas, so this is Christmas, The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York live Leave a commentSingle mother Santa wish list
Peace in my house
No Reindeer poo to clean up in my garden
Santa changes all the light bulbs, mops, dusts, vacuums and repairs the leaky washing machine before he leaves
And my kids and I sing my favourite Christmas song
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I’ve got a crush
Posted: October 10, 2015 Filed under: FEMINISM, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, all the single ladies, crushes I have known, Ella Fitzgerald:I've Got a Crush on You 1979 Montreux, husband hunting, love, lovelorn single mothers, single forever, single mother sanity Leave a commentCURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Sleeping in the corner of a queen-sized bed with a fidgety cat, a feral child who sleeps mostly after midnight and mangy old teddies. When my kids ask me if I want to get another pet I think, ‘well they’re messy and difficult to keep and I haven’t really looked for one, but eventually I may want a man around the house.’ I’ve got five minutes remaining on the libido setting of my biological clock, so when I discovered the Oxford Dictionary has a word husbandable (it means fit for cultivation) I realised I should hunt for a man who is already house trained. Our life is such an attractive proposition for a man to join in: yelling pre-menopausal financially stressed mother, swearing teenager who throws things at her sisters, smart arse middle child and mental youngest. Why wouldn’t a good-looking man want to move in and help me raise my kids?
I have a big crush on someone who is possibly unsuitable for me, but I can’t wait to find the next man I’m going to break up with. I have to admit I am jealous of women with husbands. No one tells you when you become a single mother you’ll resent happily married couples calling each other cute pet names. They are revolting. Single mothers find out fast who our friends are; some women think you want to steal their husbands. These are usually the women with husbands who aren’t worth stealing.
During my seven years as a single mum I’ve had a few imaginary husbands. My next husband will audition in front of a judging panel of my harsh girlfriends, I haven’t got a clue. One honest friend said, “You’re a bad picker, and if you insist on wearing make up you wore in 1995 you are responsible for the tragic men you pick up.”
Old age dating can be fun. Hormones can make us make babies with any old trash, but I don’t want to breed with my next husband. He doesn’t have to worry about me getting pregnant. I’m not going to write off his car or stop him going to work. I want him to go to work.
I’ve made so many attempts at finding dream stepfather I can’t remember all the men I’ve been out with. After looking for so long, I ended up in a meaningful long-term relationship with Mr Potato Head. I try to choose quality over quantity, I’d like to get back on the horse but I’m not desperate, I have a new motto: I don’t chase them, I replace them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYjoFUMkb8E
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Home is where the heartache is
Posted: September 13, 2015 Filed under: COMEDY, Single Motherhood | Tags: comedy about real estate, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home, Lou Pollard comedy shows, Lou Pollard is in A Real State, Lou Pollard stand up comedian, Shows at the Factory Theatre Marrickville September 2015, Single mother financial stress, single mother housing stress, single mother in need of a home, Sydney Fringe Comedy 2015, Sydney Fringe Festival 2015, Sydney's over priced real estate Leave a commentI’ve written a new stand-up comedy show called A Real State for the Sydney Fringe Comedy Festival. My first performance of this incredibly funny tribute to the sorry state of real estate in Sydney is on Tuesday September 22 at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville.
I’m hoping to see more than my friends and five dogs in the audience as tickets are very cheap. I’ve written new songs and a lot of new material and if I remember to be funny it will be a great night of laughs.
You can buy tickets here: A Real State comedy show
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Not happy man
Posted: August 22, 2015 Filed under: Self improvement, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, All Saints - Never Ever US Version (Official Music Video), are we happy yet, gurus for single mothers, happiness gurus, self help for single moms, self helpless, single mom meditations, single mother, single mother dreams, too much busy Leave a commentAs someone who tries to spread happiness and joy to people in distress, I’ve been invited to hear a few modern gurus speak at conferences. They are usually happy high achievers with eager followers and best-selling self-help books. They often make me feel inadequate. I read their books and end up feeling like I have to add another set of chores to my already chock full to do list. This week I’d like to pay my bills and have a holiday, so please come over and take my kids to school while I loll about in a spa. Cook my dinner, help with homework and soothe my neurotic insomniac brain but spare me the details of your journey of discovery. I’m sure it’s been incredibly peaceful spending the last two years meditating in a cave in the Himalayas but I don’t want to know. If you’ve done nothing but sit in silence for hours, I’m jealous. Write a book. I might fall asleep reading it.
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Single Mother Handy Hints for the School Holidays
Posted: June 28, 2015 Filed under: FOOD, Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, cheap single mother holidays, just one day out of life, Madonna - Holiday, mental health of single mothers, single mother cuisine, single mothering by text, single mothers need a holiday, winter school holidays Leave a commentSuggested school holiday menu:
1. Take it or leave it
2. Any food item that can be left in the oven and baked within an inch of its life is worth feeding to a child
3. Now is a good time for your kids to learn to cook
4. Like it or lump it
5. Tell your kids your family has been invited to appear on a reality TV show and vote yourself out of the kitchen. Run
6. Vegemite sandwiches are fashionable this week on Instagram
Suggested body armour to protect mothers from harm during long winter school holidays:
Helmet
Kneepads
Medication
Nanny
Eye Candy
Au pair
Shin pads
Babysitter
Chardonnay/Shiraz therapy
Pyjamas look great at 4 o’clock in the afternoon
Wear a onesie or matching tracksuit if you have teenagers, they’ll leave you alone in public
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X7RyGBq2E8
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Worry wart
Posted: June 17, 2015 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Charlie & Lola, Chekov quotes, harried mothers with worried faces, music helps, parental worries, Radiohead - No Surprises [Glastonbury 2003], single mother fears, single mother struggles, tired unhappy, worried single mothers Leave a commentIt must be a mother thing. I don’t remember lying in bed worrying half the night when I was childless. That is probably because until I had kids I did not have a sober night to ponder or reflect. I spent my twenties drunk as a back packer, talking shit like a complete tosser until 5am. Now I spend my nights wide awake fretting about important issues:
Are tomato farmers pissed off with Charlie and Lola?
Will my 10 year old drown at her school swimming lessons and no one notices?
Is my face always going to look this tired, cranky and old?
Are we ever going to have political leaders with bravery and vision?
Is a Paddlepop a well-rounded meal on a Friday night when I’m exhausted?
“Any idiot can face a crisis – its day to day living that wears you out”
– Anton Chekov
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Ten Single Mother Commandments
Posted: June 10, 2015 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: AC-DC - Highway to Hell (Live German TV with Bon Scott - 1979), self help for single moms, single mom rule book, Single Mother Commandments, single mother rule book, single mother rules, single mother self help, Smotherhood, Wisdom for single mothers 2 Comments1.Thou shalt buy ear plugs
2. Thou shalt covet the imaginary happy marriage of our happy couple friends
3. Thou shalt freak out the women who think you want to steal their husbands (usually the husbands that aren’t worth stealing)
4. Thou shalt play dead when kids try to wake you up on the weekend
5. Thou shalt bargain with your children like you are a hostage negotiator
6. Thou shalt not take fashion advice from a 13 year old
7. Thou shalt undertake due diligence with the father of your next child before you breed with him
8. Thou shalt be slothful on your birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas
9. Thou shalt have a cunning plan to deal with toddlers and teenagers – divert, distract, dodge
10. Thou shalt wear pyjamas at school drop off at least once per term
loupollard 