Startled possum
Posted: June 30, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement, Thought For the Day | Tags: ageing, ageing gracefully, charitable causes, crowdfunding, fake boobs, fake plastic face, harried mothers with worried faces, looking your best, plastic surgery, The Waitresses I Know What Boys Like 2 CommentsPlastic surgery? Yes please. I want to look like a Siamese cat in a wind tunnel and kid myself that I have the skin I had when I was nineteen. I don’t want anyone to see my forehead move, I want my teeth to glow in the dark and a double helping of trout pout please. Mr Surgeon I want the Nicole Kidman I haven’t had surgery look. I want rocks on my chest, I don’t want my boobs to move when I jog out of the water at the beach. When you have the mental age of a 15 year old it sucks to have the skin of a 40 something harried mumma. Years of smoking, sun damage, partying and parental sleep deprivation have not been kind to my face. I’ve had a fabulous full life but does every crevice on my forehead have to show that? Banking institutions aren’t that keen to give me a loan to fund my new cougar on heat face so I’ll have to start a crowdfunding, donate to me I’m a worthwhile charitable cause website to procure funds for my new face. Just need to think up a name for my new charity. How about Face it, I’m fabulous?
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Shopping for a mate on the internet
Posted: June 25, 2013 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement, Single, TRAVEL | Tags: bad Badoo matches, big and stupid, desperate and dateless cocker spaniel lover, e-Harmony bad matches, internet dating, Julie Brown, looking for love online, old ladies dating toy boys, RSVP dating, shopping for new men Leave a commentI joined Badoo, E-Harmony and RSVP and numerous other internet dating sites about two years ago. I wrote profiles and answered a million questions but never followed them up. It was too overwhelming and scary and as my girlfriends tell me I am a ‘bad picker’ so I couldn’t tell if some hot guy was right for me anyway. Today I had a look at the quality of available males and my main thought was still, ‘Am I bothered?’
BADOO
I checked out 24 year old Marius with a view of the Alps in the back of his photo. I’d love a toy boy but long distance, need help from a translator because I don’t speak German and I’m terrified about his music taste because I haven’t heard of most of it because he was born in the 80s when I was partying hard, and he’d be up for a relationship with an old bag like me? No thank you.
E Harmony
Do I really want to meet Brenton from Belconnen? Apparently he is a highly compatible match, but he smokes, likes motocross and doesn’t read books. I don’t know what motocross is, I’m a hypocritical two packs a day ex-smoker, now rabidly on my soapbox about non-smoking because cancer sticks cause death, and I’ll read a cereal packet if I can’t get my daily reading fix. And why did I tick the box that said I’d be up for a date with anyone anywhere in the world? Brenton lives in Canberra.
RSVP
Nice guys, oozing sincerity but why are they all so bad at spelling? Why can’t these men use a spell check before they post their desperation on the internet? And they’re in their 40s and they want their own child and/or they want a step parent for their children. Me as a step mother? I would be a wicked stepmother, and I don’t mean that in a wick-ed cool way. I would be a nightmare stepmother favouring my own children over anyone else’s kids.
Am I being too fussy? Maybe I just don’t want a new husband. I think I’d rather buy a male cocker spaniel who will love and worship me unconditionally.
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I want to be a Lady Boy
Posted: June 20, 2013 Filed under: TRAVEL | Tags: Bangkok, beauty, flirting and flattery, Pussyfoot - The Way That You Do It (1976), Thai lady boys, Thai women or men, Thailand, unique culture 2 CommentsI’ve just been to Thailand and while I was there my daughter and I developed an obsession with the beauty of the local lady boys. I don’t mean meathead rugby league players dressed up as women. I’m talking about drop dead gorgeous looking, I want to look like her, erhmegerd I want her body, you are incredible, you are so pretty ladies. I got excited every time we saw one of these divine specimens on the street or the train. In 35 degree heat and high humidity their make up was flawless. I only saw one trashy, out of it lady boy at the markets. Thai Lady Boys have perfected the art of flirtatious flattery. A male Western friend who lives in Bangkok told us, “If I’m feeling low, I go to where there are a lot of lady boys and they all tell me I’m hot.” They didn’t tell me that.
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Parental Guidance
Posted: June 13, 2013 Filed under: COMEDY, Parenting | Tags: celebrating kids with learning difficulties, clown, comedy with kids, live comedy for families, live comedy for kids, Lou Pollard in Parental Guidance., performing monkeys, silly shows for kids, stand up comedy for kids, Tap Gallery Sydney, W.C. Fields' quotes, working with children but not animals, working with kids' strengths not weaknesses 2 CommentsAccording to W.C. Fields one should never work with children or animals. In September I’m performing a comedy show with my youngest daughter who is 8 years old. If the rehearsal process doesn’t kill me you can come and see our show on September 14 2013 at Tap Gallery theatre (upstairs) in Darlinghurst. Yes it’s the day of the Federal Election, so go to the polling booth then come to our show to laugh off the fact that you’ve been subjected to an election campaign that lasted longer than most modern relationships. We’ll be celebrating with silliness and sanity saving parenting tips. In 2011, I performed with my youngest at Woodford Folk Festival when she was only six, and she stole the show. At one point she jumped on my back from the drum riser, put me in a headlock and took over. I must be a sucker for punishment, because when she suggested we do more shows together I said yes. Now I have to write, rehearse, promote, publicise, stage and perform the show with someone whom I love but who is a little bit bonkers. Did I mention she’s not on Ritalin? Anyone got a dog, a budgie and a feral cat we can borrow for our show?
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Not suitable for children
Posted: June 7, 2013 Filed under: ART, COMEDY, Self improvement | Tags: Australian comedians, Comedy Shows, female comedians, Lou Pollard - Stand Up Comedy, Lou Pollard is Not Suitable For Children, Lou Pollard stand up comedian, Mothers who are comedians, Sydney female comics, Sydney Fringe Festival 2013, Sydney Fringe Festival shows Leave a commentI’m performing a show for the 2013 Sydney Fringe Festival on 19, 20 and 21 September called Lou Pollard is Not Suitable For Children. It’s laugh out loud comedy with attitude. Breeders and non breeders welcome.
According to Freud it’s the role of the mother to mess with the child’s psyche and Lou Pollard has been doing her share, from shoplifting to stealing her children’s tooth fairy money. Sensational stand up with a show stopping song finale.
Lou Pollard – Comedy Show September 2013
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Vale
Posted: June 4, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA | Tags: Aboriginal health crisis, Aboriginal leaders, Australian reconciliation, Australians of the Year, Close The Gap, first indigenous principal, Great Australians, indigenous rights, kidney disease, M. Yunupingu, role models, taken far too young, TREATY, Yothu Yindi lead singer Leave a commentI am shattered by the death of Mr Yunupingu, a fine role model, leader and activist for aboriginal people. The Yothu Yindi Foundation did so much to foster reconciliation in Australia. My grandfather died at the age of 92, Mr Yunupingu was only 56. The current political climate shows us that the world desperately needs wise elders like Yunupingu. May we honour his life by closing the gap between health outcomes for our indigenous population and the rest of us boat people.
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Innit
Posted: June 3, 2013 Filed under: COMEDY, Self improvement | Tags: Australian comedians, comedy, Comedy On Tap, Comedy On Tap Stand up comedy night, female comedians, Laughter therapy, Lou Pollard - Stand Up Comedy, mirth, stand up comedy, William Shakespeare Leave a commentOn the first Friday of every month I get together with a bunch of funny chicks and a few lady men and attempt to make people laugh. A lot. My fellow fools and I host Comedy On Tap Sydney at Tap Gallery in Darlinghurst. I’m the youngest child in my family so I’ve been trying to divert people’s anger with my humour all my life. To quote Shakespeare “I was born to speak all mirth and no matter” (Much Ado About Nothing). It’s a laugh innit?
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50 Shades of Erogenous
Posted: May 28, 2013 Filed under: WRITERS | Tags: 50 Shades of Grey, bastards in fiction, BDSM, Christian Grey, E.L. James, false advertising, fastest selling paperback of all time, IKEA lifestyle, Kings of Leon, midlife crisis fiction, personal trainers, popular fiction, Sex On Fire, Vogue Living Leave a commentI didn’t want to but I finally read 50 Shades of Grey and I realize what the fuss is about. Despite the hideous beginning and the clunky set up, this book was written for everywoman. For every woman who has ever had a farting disappointing husband who won’t do housework, for every girl who has ever had a crush on a hunk and been taken back to his place only to meet his village idiot stoned flatmates, then tripped over his PlayStation on the way to his bed. For every woman who has left a pub with a guy and gone to his flat to find week old baked beans on the kitchen counter and the smell of unwashed bedding in his room. For all of us who’ve been underwhelmed by sexual encounters and the mundane chores of our lives rearing children and cleaning out the garage. 50 Shades is sex set in Vogue Living, where all the chores are done and the personal trainer is paid for. It’s pure fantasy without the dirty period stained undies and the car breaking down and your best friend who won’t tell you your thighs are too fat so you both eat chips for dinner every night. The fantasy is why women have bought it in droves, it’s sex with the lifestyle we’ve been sold by Ikea advertising that can be ours, but will never be ours because we can’t afford it; we don’t have the staff or the time or the money for the helicopter or the leather furniture. Christian Grey is an arsehole, but he’s a gentlemanly arsehole. And a lot of women would rather that than some fumbling boy who doesn’t know what he’s doing, who smells of his mechanic’s workshop and too many Chiko rolls to feed his hangover. Some of us want class, the lord of the manor to come down and sweep us off our dainty feet and take us away from the humdrum, the mundane existence we live when all we can afford is takeaway once a fortnight and a dodgy DVD from the shop down the road so we can pay for our holiday in Bali once a year.
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Sweet 16
Posted: May 23, 2013 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, Self improvement, Single Motherhood, Thought For the Day | Tags: Beyonce, Could You Be?, destiny, fate, Gemini children, life changing events, love, May 23 birthdays, mothering, my favourite daughter, PRINCE, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World Leave a commentHappy birthday amazing, beautiful prototype child. You changed my life, waking me up to the beauty of the world and I love you for it.
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Simple tips for single mothers on Mother’s Day
Posted: May 12, 2013 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, cougar mothers, MOTHER'S DAY, Rolling Stones - Mothers Little Helper, trashy single mothers, What a drag it is getting old Leave a commentShoplifting is not considered an after school sport for children
Prams look trashy for shopping once your youngest child is 10
Scary stories are for daddy’s house. Kids don’t need to be spooked by their mothers, they get enough terrifying experiences with step families
Try to stick with one father for all your children, it’s much easier on Father’s Day
Children don’t need to be disinfected with your brandy kisses daily
Try not to pick a boyfriend who has a crush on your teenager
Apparently not every man finds single mother cougars attractive, sometimes we need to put our puppies away; you really don’t need to flash your cleavage at the school Mother’s Day breakfast
Don’t leave your ashtray in your kid’s bedroom
A petticoat is a skirt. End of story
If you find a hot boyfriend, choose a lovely elderly babysitter for your kids
If you’re running late, groom your locks with a fork; make sure you remove the tines from your hair before you pick up
Six o’clock mother medication is not compulsory every day
Be an inspiring mother: When your children think of cranky, belligerent women they think of you
loupollard 