Gee
Posted: November 3, 2015 Filed under: AUSTRALIA | Tags: drunks wearing fascinators are still drunk, famous horse races, Flemington race track Melbourne, horse racing in Australia, horse racing prize money, Melbourne Australia, Melbourne Cup Day, Melbourne holidays, single mother jobs, the race that stops a nation, Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones 1995 Leave a commentA horse is a horse of course, unless you bet on that horse and lose lots of cash, then the horse is a nag headed for the pet food factory. Today I am dressed like a fool at a lunch celebrating the Festival of Trashy Drunks wearing not so fascinators AKA the Race That Stops A Nation. If you’re not Australian you probably call it the Melbourne Cup. It’s a long day and dealing with people who are smashed and have spray on tans sponsored by Vegemite (thank you Kraft) and know nothing about racing is exciting so I’ll just get up on my high horse…..
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The old woman and the wine jar
Posted: October 23, 2015 Filed under: FEMINISM | Tags: a fable for old ladies, Aesop fables, cheap single mother meals, Elton John - Elderberry Wine Manchester 1976, old ladies who love wine, songs about wine, Weekend whine, wine for single mothers, wine makes mummy remain calm, wine women and song 2 CommentsAn old woman found an empty jar which had lately been full of prime old wine, and which still retained the fragrant smell of its former contents. She greedily placed it several times to her nose, and drawing it backwards and forwards, said,
“Oh most delicious! How nice must the wine have been, when it leaves behind in the very vessel which contained it so sweet a perfume!”
The moral of this story:
‘What memory clings around the instruments of our pleasure.’
This is not necessarily an autobiographical fable
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I’ve got a crush
Posted: October 10, 2015 Filed under: FEMINISM, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, all the single ladies, crushes I have known, Ella Fitzgerald:I've Got a Crush on You 1979 Montreux, husband hunting, love, lovelorn single mothers, single forever, single mother sanity Leave a commentCURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Sleeping in the corner of a queen-sized bed with a fidgety cat, a feral child who sleeps mostly after midnight and mangy old teddies. When my kids ask me if I want to get another pet I think, ‘well they’re messy and difficult to keep and I haven’t really looked for one, but eventually I may want a man around the house.’ I’ve got five minutes remaining on the libido setting of my biological clock, so when I discovered the Oxford Dictionary has a word husbandable (it means fit for cultivation) I realised I should hunt for a man who is already house trained. Our life is such an attractive proposition for a man to join in: yelling pre-menopausal financially stressed mother, swearing teenager who throws things at her sisters, smart arse middle child and mental youngest. Why wouldn’t a good-looking man want to move in and help me raise my kids?
I have a big crush on someone who is possibly unsuitable for me, but I can’t wait to find the next man I’m going to break up with. I have to admit I am jealous of women with husbands. No one tells you when you become a single mother you’ll resent happily married couples calling each other cute pet names. They are revolting. Single mothers find out fast who our friends are; some women think you want to steal their husbands. These are usually the women with husbands who aren’t worth stealing.
During my seven years as a single mum I’ve had a few imaginary husbands. My next husband will audition in front of a judging panel of my harsh girlfriends, I haven’t got a clue. One honest friend said, “You’re a bad picker, and if you insist on wearing make up you wore in 1995 you are responsible for the tragic men you pick up.”
Old age dating can be fun. Hormones can make us make babies with any old trash, but I don’t want to breed with my next husband. He doesn’t have to worry about me getting pregnant. I’m not going to write off his car or stop him going to work. I want him to go to work.
I’ve made so many attempts at finding dream stepfather I can’t remember all the men I’ve been out with. After looking for so long, I ended up in a meaningful long-term relationship with Mr Potato Head. I try to choose quality over quantity, I’d like to get back on the horse but I’m not desperate, I have a new motto: I don’t chase them, I replace them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYjoFUMkb8E
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They don’t make ’em like they used to round two
Posted: October 5, 2015 Filed under: FEMINISM | Tags: Charlene - I've Never Been To Me, dodgy song lyrics from the 70s and 80s, everyday sexist remarks, feminism, feminist anthems, feminist song writers, feminist songs, misogynist rap lyrics, Paul McCartney lyrics, sexist song lyrics, songwriters, Usher 1 CommentGlamorous staying home mother duties with my kidlets means I’ve found more delightful feminist lyrics from modern music while trawling through the dark tunnels of the interwebs late at night:
You’re a discontented mother and a regimented wife
This song is addressed to a desperate mother who would like to trade her boring existence for the jet-setting hedonistic lifestyle the song’s narrator has led. Even though she has, “been to paradise,” she’s ultimately failed to find self-fulfillment, “I’ve never been to me.”
Because of course being a wife and mother is the only way a woman can be complete.
Paul McCartney wrote a lovely song about murder with a hammer, which John Lennon described as “more of Paul’s granny music.”
But when she turns her back on the boy
He creeps up from behind
Bang, bang, Maxwell’s silver hammer
Came down upon her head
Do do do do do
Bang, bang, Maxwell’s silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead
And it’s not just songs from the Paleolithic era that have life-affirming lyrics
Usher wrote a lovely song called I Don’t Mind
I’m just tryna cut her up, tryna bust a nut
Tryna take somebody bitch, turn her to a slut
Tryna fill my cup, tryna live it up
Throw some hundreds on that ass, walk her out the club
And also this delightful tune Ayo from the Australian visa-denied girlfriend basher himself Chris Brown
I’mma take her ass down when she bring her friend around
Fuck ‘em both like ayo
I’m a bougie ass nigga left the roof at home
We popping like ayo, ayo, ayo
But don’t be acting like I need you
Who is up for a feminist sing along?
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They don’t make ’em like they used to
Posted: September 27, 2015 Filed under: FEMINISM | Tags: Are You Old Enough? Dragon, Dr Hook song lyrics, feminist anthems, feminist consipracy, feminist messages, Feminist role models, feminist single mothers, hidden feminist messages, Hits of the 60s 70s & 80s, I'm building feminist princesses, Rolling Stones song lyrics, single mother high alert, Tom Jones - Delilah 4 CommentsI was listening to a classic hits station in the car as I drove my teenage daughter to a party, and she said she’d only just noticed how dodgy the lyrics were to a lot of the old songs, i.e. classic songs from the glory days of my youth (1970s and 80s). My list of feminist anthems from that time include:
Are You Old Enough? by Dragon – the lyrics include
I just wanted to kiss someone
I got the moondog blues
You just happened to be standing there
So won’t you tell me, won’t you tell me the truth?
Are you old enough? Are you old enough?
When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman by Dr Hook
When you’re in love with a beautiful woman
You watch her eyes
When you’re in love with a beautiful woman
You look for lies
And Mick Jagger, that champion of mothers with newborns, wrote these lyrics for Some Girls:
Some girls give me children
I never asked them for
Black girls just wanna get fucked all night
I just don’t have that much jam
Another classic, sung by Tom Jones, has the male lover stab his girlfriend to death because she cheated on him. He couldn’t help himself. Poor man.
Why, why, why, Delilah
I could see that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free
At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting
I cross the street to her house and she opened the door
She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
My, my, my Delilah
Why, why, why Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any more
I’m sure there’s more
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Unreal Estate
Posted: September 22, 2015 Filed under: COMEDY | Tags: Australian female comedians, comedy and tragedy, female stand up comics, Funny females, Lou Pollard comedy, Lou Pollard comedy shows, Lou Pollard stand up comedian, Lou Pollard writer, Sydney Fringe Comedy Festival 2015, Sydney Fringe Festival 2015, Tom Jones - Green Green Grass Of Home Leave a commentAt 8.30pm tonight I’m performing my new show A Real State at The Factory Theatre in Marrickville, for three nights only. I’m hunting for a lovely new home and an audience to match. As a professional fool I wish I had a good job to pay for a mortgage, just like the well-known real estate guru Joe Hockey. I’m currently squashed into a scenic apartment with my three children overlooking the rent.
Fresh from my four-star reviewed Sydney Comedy Festival show Looking For Mike Brady, I’m performing in a tastefully renovated new show about home hunting away from the airport flight path in Sydney’s unreal estate market. This superbly crafted story is a moving show, in a call-the-removalists-the-lease-is-up-again kind of way.
Sophisticated solo parent seeks attractive audience positioned to ensure the perfect lifestyle experience. Bring yourself and any urban hipster double income professionals to this perfectly priced fun show about one woman’s quest to find a stunning family home. You’ll laugh your guts up as I enlist the audience in my hunt for a house, and maybe a husband too.
Buy Tickets for A Real State comedy show
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WN3ME-rgpws
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Fool’s birthday
Posted: September 19, 2015 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Birthdays | Tags: celebrating in Australia soon, cheers, happy birthday to me, Rihanna - Cheers (Drink To That), self help for single moms, single mom birthday surprises, single mom delusions, single mother birthday treats, single mother partying, single mother wishlist 2 CommentsIt’s my 29th birthday and I don’t look a day over 45. I’ve had lots of messages from 100 imaginary friends on social media, nothing from my family and my kids punched each other over breakfast.
It’s also International Talk like A Pirate Day and I want to scream, “ARRRRR, FORKEN, FORKEN, FORKEN, ARRRRRRRR.”
Tony Abbott may have gone (early birthday present), but it seems that a 1950s Catholic committee are still running the asylum that Australia has become. Anti single mothers, anti-women achieving anything other than housework, pro-coal mining, big business destroying the environment, I can’t wait to get rid of these philistines. This lot couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery.
Malcolm Turnbull needs to appoint 10 single mothers to his cabinet, then he’ll achieve something. Single mothers work quickly to get everything done before we have to dash to pick up kids, then home to make dinner. If Joe Hockey needs to find money for the budget, hiring single mothers would mean a budget cut of about 40%, we work cheaply.
Really all I want for my birthday is a new order. Two years of the fascist boys club running our country and Australia has become the laughing stock of the world. Sigh.
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Home is where the heartache is
Posted: September 13, 2015 Filed under: COMEDY, Single Motherhood | Tags: comedy about real estate, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home, Lou Pollard comedy shows, Lou Pollard is in A Real State, Lou Pollard stand up comedian, Shows at the Factory Theatre Marrickville September 2015, Single mother financial stress, single mother housing stress, single mother in need of a home, Sydney Fringe Comedy 2015, Sydney Fringe Festival 2015, Sydney's over priced real estate Leave a commentI’ve written a new stand-up comedy show called A Real State for the Sydney Fringe Comedy Festival. My first performance of this incredibly funny tribute to the sorry state of real estate in Sydney is on Tuesday September 22 at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville.
I’m hoping to see more than my friends and five dogs in the audience as tickets are very cheap. I’ve written new songs and a lot of new material and if I remember to be funny it will be a great night of laughs.
You can buy tickets here: A Real State comedy show
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RU OK?
Posted: September 10, 2015 Filed under: Self improvement, Thought For the Day | Tags: ask your friends and neighbours RU OK?, Gavin Larkin, Gavin Larkin legacy, Lifeline Australia, National RU OK day, RU OK day Australia 2015, start a conversation, suicide prevention 2 CommentsToday is National RU OK? day. Please check on your friends, family, neighbours and loved ones and ask them: Are you OK? We are so busy and so disconnected but together we can prevent suicide. If you know someone who lives on their own, a smile and a chat could be what they need. I have rung Lifeline in my darkest hour and the woman who answered the phone was brilliant. May the legacy of Gavin Larkin live on and spread across the world.
If you need help call Lifeline in Australia: 131144
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Papa
Posted: September 6, 2015 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: dad jokes are the best, daddy's little girl, Father's Day, fathering, fathers who show up, great dads, Happy Father's Day, in praise of great dads, kids need good dads, miss my dad, Papa was a Rolling stone (Long version) / Soul train line dance 4 CommentsI miss my dad every day so today I’ll go out of my way to avoid anyone celebrating with their fathers. My dad was cheeky, funny, lived life large, worked too hard and loved us fiercely. He didn’t have a father so he had a crash course in learning how to be a dad when my eldest brother was born. My dad had a great range of dad jokes, particularly about my fashion choices.
“You wearing that for a bet?” he’d say.
Thank you for your humour, your courage, your encouragement to read great books, your excesses, your fun and the twinkle in your eye. Love you my gorgeous Dad. I hope you’re not resting in peace, I hope you’re blazing a trail across the sky leaving all the stars in your wake.
Happy Father’s Day to all the great dads.
loupollard 