Happy Next Year
Posted: December 31, 2018 Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: Happy New Year, happy single mothering, I say a little prayer for you, NYE 2018, single mothers with attitude, single mum celebrations Leave a commentHappy New Year. Hope you have fun tonight. I want a smallish glass of good champagne. At one point in my life I would have drunk tequila made from wombat wee if the bar ran dry and now I’m a one glass screamer. Mummies getting smashed is so last year.
In 2019 we will have:
More hopes
More dreams
Fewer emails, more laughter
More kisses, less complaining
Zero idiot rich white male politicians, more wise women from diverse backgrounds
Less coconut milk, more chocolate
Fewer inspirational quotes, more doing
More policies, less political slogans
More teenage dirtbags, less sanitised posers
More sleep, less stress
More grunge, less photoshop
More fun, fewer rules
More rebellion
More open hearts
We can learn to love again
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2018 – The Year of the Plonker
Posted: December 23, 2018 Filed under: Self improvement, Uncategorized | Tags: 2018 year in revieew, auspol, Politics, single mother advice, single mother musings, single mother struggles, single mothering, to Pollard 2 Comments2018, the year that cannot end quickly enough for me. What a clusterfuck.
This truly was the year of the tools coming out from under their rocks.
Trump
Israel Folau spreading hate
Julie Asbestos Bishop behaving like the hypocrite of the century, acting like a martyr when she let Bernie Banton die in agony waiting for compensation
Barnaby Joyce
Lleyonhelm
Lindsay Lohan and her “women look weak” bollocks
Malcolm Gunning from the real estate agents group who thought that people should get a second job to buy a home
Steve Smith and David Warner
The Wallabies
Potato Dutton thinking he had a chance at the top job. The man has a head like a dropped pie
The guy who wanted to ask me out on a date but then mansplained the term ‘mansplaining’ to me
Too many women and children murdered by men they knew, including beautiful Olga and her kids
Scott Morrison’s embarrassing moments happening almost daily from October
Extreme weather conditions worsened across the globe and still moron politicians deny climate science
There have been 94 school shootings in the US this year
The year when the two most powerful comedy shows weren’t funny; Nanette by- Hannah Gadsby and Sascha Baron Cohen’s documentary on America
We lost beautiful artists this year
Aretha Franklin, Neil Simon, Tom Wolfe, Mirka Mora, Dolores O’Riordan, Richard Gill, Stephen Hawking, Charles Blackman, Judy Blame,, Anthony Bourdain, Kofi Annan,
Eurydice Dixon was taken from us
Heroes
Robert Mueller
Emma Gonzalez and her classmates
Jameela Jamil
Tham Luang cave divers
Chrissie Foster
Christine Balsey Ford
Saxon Mullins
Sisto Malaspina
The year I learnt to say no more than yes
I was ghosted by a friend
This year a school bully told my child that she should kill her self, my two other kids suffered health problems and I went to hospital twice, but we are blessed to have our health system and we have held onto our sanity (just)
Shakespeare wrote about Donald Trump in All’s Well That Ends Well:
“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”
May 2019 bring wisdom and a strong wall to keep the idiots at bay
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Miss Piggy Says No
Posted: December 2, 2018 Filed under: Politics, Self improvement | Tags: brexit, fools in power, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, I hope that somethings better comes along., Kermit, Miss Piggy, parliament, Rowlf The Dog, Shakespearean insults, Statler and Waldorf, The Muppet Show Leave a commentDear world of media, social and serious,
I understand that the current crop of American, British and Australian politicians are spectacularly unskilled, treacherous, dangerous to children and the general health of our nations, but can we please stop calling them Muppets? Muppets are cute. Most of our pollies are neither entertaining, warm or wise, so stop labelling them as friendly puppets that have given pleasure to millions. When writing about these huge parliamentary pension seekers, using the term muppets conveys that they possess some wit. This is not the case.
The current Australian prime minister (for this week) is not life-like, clever nor an original thinker, nor able to relate to humans with humour and compassion, so for the sake of my fond childhood memories please refrain from comparing him to Fozzie Bear, Rowlf the Dog or Kermit.
I have heard the term, you lying fucking muppet used many times when relating to Brexit, can we please instead call these career con artists twats, twatwaffles or plonkers? If you don’t like these terms, consider using the phrases of the Bard. Shakespeare was brilliant at describing human stupidity. We could yell out in Question Time:
“More of your conversation would infect my brain. Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”
The only Muppets we need in politics are Statler and Waldorf to heckle and cajole incompetent public servants in parliament buildings around the world.
I hope that something better comes along…
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a puppet worked by strings.“the bird bobs up and down like a marionette”
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a person who is easily manipulated or controlled.“many officers dismissed him as the mayor’s marionette”
-
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Black hole Friday
Posted: November 26, 2018 Filed under: exercise, FEMINISM, Self improvement, Thought For the Day | Tags: bargains, Black Friday, don't believe the hype, marketing, online sales, sales, single, single mother advice, single mother bargains Leave a commentThe family with an obsession with K’s will also tell you repeatedly that using a credit card is a talent. It isn’t. We don’t need new pots, we buy crap to fill the gaping hole in our feelings. Finding a bargain won’t make us happy. We need to make mindless consumerism as popular as Dolce and Gabbana in Shanghai. Supermarkets don’t have a happiness aisle selling unicorns. I’ve checked.
Getting into debt is not the way to fulfillment. When we are rich in shopping bags, we become poor in mental acuity. Like a Hillsong church, rich consumerism has only lead to poor spiritualism. Your mindless purchases may include all natural, non-toxic, free shipping. But happiness is sold separately.
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When this ruddy war is over
Posted: November 11, 2018 Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: arms dealers, history, Lest we Forget, November 11, Remembrance Day, the future is female, war is stupid, war what is it good for, weapons manufacturers Leave a commentDuring the First World War, one-tenth of the Australian male population enlisted. Everyone in this country knew someone who had gone to war. Many never returned.
Gathered from the hillsides in bright summer colors
And the brown earth bleached white
At the edge of his gravestone
He’s gone
The man, barely twenty, did answer the calling
Proud of the trust
That he placed in our nation
He’s gone
And it knows what we’ve done
On the leaves of the flowers
Leaving brown, muddy clay
Where the earth had been dry
He waited for hours
As he held to his rifle
And prayed not to die
Was shattered by fire
As the guns and grenades
Blasted sharp through the air
His comrades were slaughtered
In the morgue of marines
Alone, standing there
Ever lower, with fear
They can’t let me die
They can’t let me die here
With the mud and the earth
I’ll cover myself
I know I’m not brave
The earth is my grave
Gathered from the hillsides in bright summer colors
And the brown earth bleached white
At the edge of his gravestone
He’s gone
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Wentworth falls
Posted: October 21, 2018 Filed under: Politics, Self improvement | Tags: Advice for single mothers, auspol, Australian Politics, capitalism, hung parliament, Malcolm Turnbull, pale stale male Australian politicians, single mother budget, Wentworth votes 2 CommentsYesterday there was a by-election held in the electorate where my children go to school. At the polling booth, I asked an older Liberal party member who was handing out how to vote cards how he could campaign for climate denial when the science is clear. He asked me a question about H2o or Co2 levels in the atmosphere then told me off for not knowing the answer.
“You should educate yourself,” he said.
“I believe the scientists,” I replied but because I couldn’t answer his science questions he laughed. My brain has never retained STEM facts so that’s not proof that global warming doesn’t exist, it’s proof that 99% of the time my mind is off with the pixies dreaming up single mum get rich quick schemes, and maths and science are not my strong point.
When I said to him, “How about your party find some strong policies instead of incessantly bitching about the Opposition?” he told me I didn’t understand science. He is right but I clearly understand that I don’t want our beautiful environment destroyed by corporate and political greed.
Even a former Liberal Party leader stated the day before the poll: “You forfeit the right to govern if you don’t have a climate action strategy.”
A few hours later the Government lost a safe seat they’d held for 117 years, and the Prime Minister gave a tone-deaf concession speech attacking opposition leader Bill Shorten and people on welfare. I’m no policy-maker but here are a few ideas if they want to stay in government next year:
Where 45% of the electorate are renters, don’t talk to us about negative gearing. Overpaid members of parliament have used Australians on low and below the poverty line income to buy and push up house prices. We are sick of subsidising wealthy politicians who manipulate the property market. Let’s remove this rort.
We’ve had three conservative Prime Ministers in two and a half years, so perhaps don’t mention stability and certainty in your election promises. Nor economic management when you’ve tripled the deficit and refused to help low income families in the five years you’ve been in power.
And let’s not mention the NBN debacle.
The conservatives have now lost their majority in the lower house. Maybe with a hung parliament we can get the kids off Nauru without having to go to court.
Liberal party, it’s not 1954, you could try listening to voters. All over the world, educated people are living to the 21st century. Wentworth liked the guy who you kicked out of the job, so they decided to elect a progressive independent doctor who believes in climate change. Maybe your party can’t attract women with integrity because no intelligent lady would join your gang of dinosaurs. Scott Morrison, try inspiring our country with visionary ideas, you currently sound like a used car salesman trying to sell us a clapped out, dodgy lemon. Your hollow words are (went) worthless
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Hollyweird diet
Posted: October 7, 2018 Filed under: exercise, FOOD, Self improvement | Tags: Advice, being the best, inspirational single mothering, insta stories, life goals, Mark Wahlberg, single mother tips, social influencers, steel cut oats, successful single mothers 1 CommentHellbent on making a success of my spring into summer self-improvement program, this week I looked online for inspiration to kickstart my new attitude. I noticed that Hollywood stars like Mark Wahlberg are a wonderful source of realistic life goals. Marky Mark is a busy man: an actor, father of 4, restaurant owner and car dealer. He recently posted an hour by hour Insta story of his daily workout and routine:
2:30 a.m.: wake up
2:45 a.m. pray
3:15 a.m.: breakfast — “I start out with steel oats, peanut butter, blueberries and eggs for breakfast,” Wahlberg says. “Then I have a vanilla latte protein shake, three turkey burgers and five pieces of sweet potato.”
3:40 to 5:15 a.m.: work out. The actor posted videos of himself doing reverse lunges, vertical presses and overhead presses for weight training.
5:30 a.m.: post-workout meal
He goes into detail about everything he eats: “At 8 I have 10 turkey meatballs; at 10:30, a grilled chicken salad with two hard-boiled eggs, olive, avocado, cucumber, tomato, lettuce; at 1pm a New York steak with peppers; at 3:30 grilled chicken with bok choy, and att 5:30, a piece of halibut, cod or sea bass.”
After his workouts, Wahlberg has a session in a cryotherapy chamber, kept at 150 degrees below zero. Apparently the cold removes inflammation and can improve sleep.
He has family time at 11am and 5:30pm., and picks up his kids at school at 3.
The 46-year-old says, “The only way to be the best is to keep working like you got nothing. Keep getting after it, and be more and more aggressive, more and more focused every day. I have more drive and desire now than I ever have.”
I couldn’t find the paragraph where Marky talks about washing his kids’ dirty undies. smashing the patriarchy and helping homeless people, so I’m sharing my social influencer, intensive single mother schedule to help my huge list of followers:
2.30am Lie awake and think about all the bills I need to pay
4.45am Rage about the misogynists who are still in government
5am pray I’ll have the money to pay the rent
6.36am Answer phone call from nursing home about mother’s missing pants
7.53am Realise I’ve over slept, yell at kids to get to school
8.18am Stare at cranky face in bathroom mirror
8.19am Sudden realisation that is my unrested bitch face
8.44am Accidentally throw chicken neck in the cat’s water bowl
8.47am Drive kids to school, late again
Throw lukewarm coffee and over ripe fruit in gob while at traffic lights
9.29am Get to work and make some kind of hideous flavoured tea
1.33pm Realise lunch is in fridge at home, hope blood sugar doesn’t fall too low. Pray there is cake or biscuits in the tea room
3.18pm Steal bite of colleague’s meal, one hour before finishing
3.38pm Hope kids got on their overcrowded school bus
4.28pm Slump home low in energy. Read emails from teachers about youngest child’s unfinished homework. Jump to conclusions
5.59pm Hurl dinner in oven, leaving plastic wrap on frozen pizza, wonder why kids complain about taste
7.21pm Nag teenagers about bedroom floor-drobe, junk food wrapper rubbish removal, overuse of Snapchat
8.17pm Eat whole block of cooking chocolate while trying to manage 417 emails
9.03pm Drown anxiety with flat leftover wine from fridge
10.47pm Shout, “turn the music down, you’ll wake the neighbours,” repeatedly at five minute intervals. Chug down cold tea
11.25pm Reheat mashed potato and eat too fast
Midnight wake up freezing with no covers on, youngest child and cat have stolen all blankets
12.08am Unpack mouldy lunchbox. Deeply regret eating mash
12.19am Wonder why Trump is still in the White House
1am Promise myself I will be more focused and hardworking tomorrow, walk to work, write lists of gratitude, achievements, life goals, brainstorm ways to monetise our appealing life with sponsored Instagram posts, plan kitchen cupboards, write thank you cards, drink organic kale smoothies, start Xmas shopping months too early, achieve my potential, push kids like a tiger mother, monitor internet usage, start a Facebook page for our cat and hope followers will pay vet bills, write crowdfunding appeal to get car back on the road, develop impulse control and do Pilates three times a day
1.18pm wake up dribbling on list, decide to rewrite one day
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Important stuff single mothers must do before we die
Posted: September 9, 2018 Filed under: FEMINISM, Self improvement, TRAVEL | Tags: bucket list for single mothers, life goals for single mothers, single mother bucket list, single mother dreams, single mother money advice, single mother tips, single mother wish list, single mums with attitude, solo mother advice, things to do before we die Leave a commentThe items I most want to tick off my chuck it in the bucket list:
1. Find a single 97-year-old billionaire outside a Las Vegas wedding chapel
2. Earn enough money for cask wine, Prozac, Phenergan & 2-minute noodles
3. Post about single motherhood money challenges without being contacted by a self-employed pyramid scheming guru wanting me to invest in their ‘incredible once in lifetime opportunity, don’t miss out, fast-growing’ business
4. Finish a sentence without being interrupted by a chatty child
5. Block well-meaning women on social media whose side career is marketing anti-aging cosmetics, life-changing cleanses and other ‘green’ products of dubious nutritional value
6. Get thrown off a mechanical bull into an enormous foam pit full of cash
7. Strip without grimacing
8. Skydive into a ginormous bucket of French champagne
9. Do a poo in peace in a toilet that has been cleaned by someone else
10. Get ex to pay for kids (dreaming)
11. Dare to live fully while sleeping 16 hours a day in a room with a view
12. Draft legislation to outlaw the word ‘panties’
13. Have a holiday that doesn’t involve child-friendly parks
14. Fly a hot air balloon into a massive pot of gold
15. Children shoplift without getting caught
16. Doze on a beach for 12 months while servants cater to every whim
17. Hear the sound of silence in my head
18. Smile because I’m not worrying about bills I can’t pay
19. Snorkel with old friends in an Olympic-sized pool of gin
20. Outlaw bucket lists
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Politicians have a lot to be modest about
Posted: August 26, 2018 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Politics, Self improvement, Uncategorized | Tags: auspol, Australian Politics, Botox treatments, healthcare, hospital funding, hospitals, mental health of single mothers, pale stale male Australian politicians, political coups, politics for the rich, right wing think tanks, single mother advice 1 CommentThis week I woke up dressed in a diabolical fashion, with unflattering lighting overhead and inedible food by my bed. No, it wasn’t Mother’s Day. When I walked into the main hospital building that morning, the first thing I noticed was the drab decor; so hideous that the caring lovelies working there had tried to patch up the dullness with bright paintings, but I could feel the bacteria and sadness in the walls.
But we do have incredible care. When I came to after my anaesthetic, I had the most lovely pregnant nurse and I couldn’t get over how grateful I felt that we have great health care in Australia. Everyone was so caring I shed a few tears, I felt blessed that this was my first thought. I looked around and noticed that the hospital staff represented every corner of the universe, Africa, Asia, alien, Australia, America, Pacific Islands, Europe and bogan. Despite the racial hatred pollies who’ve received very few votes are trying to stir up, Australians are a mixed bag of nationalities who want to work and live together in harmony without politicians telling us we can’t.
I had a general anaesthetic so I could have Botox injected into my bum muscle (I speak fluent doctor yeah) to try to repair nerve damage from an operation I had in April. I did ask but the doctor wouldn’t do a 2 for the price of 1 Botox deal on my arse and my face. Bloody Medicare. Before I went under, my colorectal surgeon told me to eat soft foods, when I awoke I was served beef so tough it could have been used by our defence forces. And the doctor wouldn’t let me go until my blood pressure and pulse rate went up so I sat in a chair scoffing non-hospital food until I was allowed to leave. I’m happy to be home. On my return, there was a two-stage political coup erupting to change our Prime Minister. Here comes the revolution: We’ve changed to a conservative god bothering white male from a mega-rich white male. Plus ca change. And now that the weekend is here, and our right-wing politicians have finished throwing tantrums and travelled away from the Canberra bubble, I’d like to help those boorish pale males think about something other than themselves, perhaps the nation’s healthcare, education, domestic violence, babies dying in detention centres or even a treaty with the people who were here first.
Politicians, I can’t believe I have to spell it out for you, but most of you are ego driven and need Commcar drivers to help you get to work at Parliament House because you couldn’t find the place by yourself. You are public servants, we voted for you to serve us, not to watch you cower before opinion polls, you spineless idiots. Walk into the hospital, STFU, listen and watch how a diverse group of people co-operate, learn how they carry on their jobs without petty squabbles, working as a team to achieve incredible outcomes for the good of all humanity. This may help as most of you couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery. If you still don’t get it, be careful the door doesn’t hit your unBotoxed bums on the way out.
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The game of life
Posted: August 12, 2018 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Raising Hell, Self improvement | Tags: celebrity endorsements, charity, charity and community work, comedy and tragedy, football stars, fundraising, giving back, influencers, inspo, insta-famous, instagrammers, publicity, raising awareness, satire, the gift that keeps on giving Leave a commentThis week the NRL, AFL, rugby and soccer boys are wearing a new strip on the field. It’s magenta polka dots, lightning bolts and zebra stripes, with olive and puce armbands, which stands for raising awareness week and making sure caring and giving back is in the headlines with a few high profile footy boofheads adorned in the right colours.
In a profound press release, Lina Tell-All White a publicist with a certificate in marketing and an educational background that includes being expelled from most upmarket Sydney schools revealed,
“We’re raising awareness of raising awareness. There may be a fun run. We had seven different marketing committees choosing the palette and pairing it with matching wines and food served in gumboots at an overpriced invitation-only dinner at an exclusive inner city hotel. What it means is that we stand for making instant Instagram stars of the people wearing the well-chosen outfits and hoping their media profiles will raise awareness of a thoughtful charity drive that will make money so we can show that we’re thinking of lots of issues on right-wing radio, commercial television and all the socials. It’s really important for politicians, influencers and even ordinary punters to know what we stand for. Even if we don’t.”
“We are also running another timely campaign, we desperately need funding to buy more açai smoothie bowls for girls who went to overpriced schools who now can’t afford to buy homes within 20 kilometres of the expensive suburb they grew up in. It’s a national tragedy and we need to fix it,” said another spokeswoman from a massive yacht on Sydney Harbour. “They may not be homeless but their needs are great. Raising Awareness, reality TV ‘stars’ wearing exorbitantly priced clothing and building fame, that’s really all we want from a charity appeal, Australia just doesn’t have enough of it. Our thoughts and prayers are with all the celebrities with less than 100K followers on Instagram.”
loupollard 