I’m your mother, I’m supposed to drive you crazy
Posted: May 11, 2014 Filed under: LOVE, Single Motherhood | Tags: glamorous single motherhood, Go on pamper me I'm your mother, happy single mothering, in praise of selfless mothers, let me eat cake, MOTHER'S DAY, Mother's Day 2014, Mother's Day Australia, my girls are my be-all and end-all, my mama worked so hard for me, peace, presents for single mothers, relaxation, single mother bliss, single mother dreaming, sleeping all day, spoilt single mothers, Stevie Wonder - Don't You Worry 'Bout A Thing (Live) 2 CommentsFlowers, chocolates, cards, a new house and a new car, my kids know how to spoil me on Mother’s Day, but apparently today they forgot what I really like so they got me some soap. And candles so that my cheeky youngest child, who is a trainee fire starter, can melt wax all over the house. Joy. And as it is Mother’s Day I am supposed to smile sweetly and be grateful and pretend that it doesn’t bother me, otherwise in a few years they will relocate me to a home for the bewildered that plays Phil Collins songs all day. Sigh. Motherhood is so glamorous and exciting isn’t it? Rest up today mamas, it’s going to be a big year
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Isn’t she lovely?
Posted: April 24, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: beautiful daughters, Chinese Year of the Horse, clever kids, difficult middle child, empathetic and compassionate kids, fabulous people, favourite children, funny, funny and clever girls, funny kids, gorgeous, happy single mothering, horse children, made from love, on the day that you were born the angels got together, proud single mama, proud single mothers, single mother bliss, single mother celebrations, smart, Stevie Wonder - Isn't She Lovely & Sunshine Of My Life 4 CommentsIn late 2001 I was pregnant with my second daughter and I went to have an ultrasound. I’ll never forget the words of the sonographer who looked at the images of my tiny girl on the screen and said, “What a beautiful baby.” Yes, she is, inside and out. Happy 12th birthday, my gorgeous horse daughter Moo. I love you.
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Single mother ethical dilemmas
Posted: April 19, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, cheap single mothering, do single mothers have loose morals?, Eat your heart out Alain de Boton, Marvin Gaye - What's Going On, modern moral dilemmas, shopping with kids, single mama drama, single mama solidarity, single mother ethical dilemmas, single mother euphemisms, stealing or borrowing? 4 CommentsIs borrowing herbs and vegies from your neighbour’s garden to feed your kids helping your neighbour harvest?
Is going out with a friend’s ex a step too far, or simply husband recycling?
Is dressing like a dishevelled, slutty cougar a fashion felony or merely community service? It pays to advertise after all.
Is leaving your fighting children in the car at the shopping centre for 15 minutes while you dash into the shops wrong or the best thing to stop you shouting at them?
Is turning a blind eye in the supermarket fruit and veg section while your children gobble up the grapes and berries considered stealing or simply an affordable way to help your kids eat their five serves a day?
Will your toddler turn into a delinquent if you let them carry out their own eat what you find Easter egg hunt in your local shop 10 minutes before closing time on Easter Saturday? Or only if your child catches you hiding the foil wrappers from the security cameras?
Teenagers are expensive and cat food is cheap. Is telling your children that you make a ‘special meatloaf’ wrong?
Is it a crime to send your obviously underage 16 year old to the local RSL to win the meat tray raffle even though the slab of dead animal will feed your family for a week?
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Single Mother lexicon
Posted: April 13, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Guns N' Roses - Welcome To The Jungle, Homage to single mothers, single mamas, single mother delusions, single mother dictionary, single mother euphemisms, single mother lexicon, Single mother translation, Single motherhood, Single mothers, single mothers with attitude, single mummas, solo mothering 2 CommentsA is for Attitude. You’ll develop it after years of single motherhood
B is for Breeder’s regret, as in I picked him to be the father of kids? What was I thinking? Breed with a man not a boy
B is also for Bribery, a helpful device in the single mother tool kit
C is for Can I share custody with this man in five years time?
D is for Don’t know how you do it, translation: I don’t want your life, it looks too hard
E is for End of summer, a day celebrated by single mothers whenever children go back to school after months of holidays
F is for Frustration, i.e. speaking to any government department about collecting money for your kids from your children’s father
G is for Glamorous, what single mothers become when their offspring visit their father
H is for Halloween, lots of free lollies for your deprived children
I is for I’m a single mother this week, what coupled up ladies say when their partner is away for more than two days
J is for “Just wait ’til you become a mother.” Frequently said by single mums to their kids
K is for Know It All Children AKA other people’s children
L is for Long ago and far away I used to be young, free and sassy
M is for Mothering Monday, the second Monday in May. Easily the best day to receive bargain flowers, soap and sympathy. Boxes of sweet fancies go cheap on this day.
N is for No money until pay day
O is for Oh My God, tinned spaghetti again?
P is for Perfect families, fictitious people who make children of single mothers envious
Q is for Queen of budgeting
R is for Red Cordial, what you give your kids when they’re going to meet your ex’s new girlfriend for the first time
S is for Sanity, what you lose when you become a single mother
S is also for Schooligan
The little rat in your kid’s class with parents who insist their child is a saint
T is for Teens, the beasts your kids turn into before they become lovely adults who thank you for your sacrifices
U is for Unbelievable, the amount politicians think you can live on
V is for Vinnies, the clothing boutique of choice for most single mothers
W is for Wild side, staying up past 10pm on a school night
W is also for Would, as in I would talk to my ex but I don’t speak moron
X is for Exhausted, permanently
Y is for Y did I choose to live like this?
Z is for Zone Out: what single mums do when married breeders talk about their cleaner
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I’ve become that mother
Posted: March 28, 2014 Filed under: Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: calm single mothering, competition sports watched by competitive parents, Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name, sideline coaching when I don't know all the rules, single mother madness, single mother struggles, single mothers with attitude, sport rage, sport rage mothers, sporty kids with mad mothers Leave a commentMy middle daughter has just started playing basketball, I’ve watched two games. She has never played a team sport before, and I have already turned into Sport Rage Single Mother. During the first game, I sat on my own and started muttering, “Bloody ref, what would she know? She is ripping off our team,” as I watched the other team get away with pushing and shoving, and my daughter’s team racking up the fouls. As I became more vocal my girl sat obediently on the bench, sneaking looks at me, wondering when I would stop embarrassing her. For the second game I decided to sit with the rational parents, hoping they’d be a good influence on me. Then my daughter was elbowed and fell over. Sport Rage Single Mother from Hell emerged. “Come on, that’s not on!” I yelled and my voice echoed around the gym. I slapped the bench and sat down as the calm parents from the other team pursed their lips and stared at me. My daughter told me she was fine, then the opposing team of giant almost-women proceeded to annihilate my girl and her mates. I slumped in my seat and said to any of the mothers who would listen, “Our girls need a bit more testosterone, they can have mine.” Game three is on today, anyone know where I put my chill pills?
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Narcissistic Parenting Disorder
Posted: March 22, 2014 Filed under: D.I.V.O.R.C.E, Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: boys not men, casual fathering, Cher - Gypsies Tramps And Thieves, deadbeat dads, fathering, fathers who show up, glamorous dads, in praise of great dads, man up, mothering, parenting, single mother fears, single mother struggles, single mother truths Leave a commentAnother day, another break up of a ‘star’ marriage, be it Johnny Whatsit or a ‘celebrity’ personal trainer; these are the ‘men’ who walk away from their children and run to someone else who may be younger, or prettier and aren’t burdened with looking after his children. Meanwhile who takes the kids to school, helps with their homework, washes their sports uniforms? While the little boys are taking selfies with their girlfriends on red carpets and jetting off on fun holidays, the women who are left behind are the ones dedicating themselves to child rearing. What does it do to a teenage girl to see Daddy running off with someone young enough to be her elder sister? Yawn.
Are these the role models we want for our boys? Males who’ve been in relationships that lasted less time than a bottle of Morning Fresh detergent (that stuff lasts ages). Guys who can’t hang around when the going gets tough in a marriage? Ask anyone who has been married for a long time and they’ll tell you that the going gets tough at some point in a long term relationship. Good blokes can you have a word with your mates? Please tell them that kids need their dads. I don’t want to male bash, I know some fabulous fathers, but I’m not meeting a lot of deadbeat mummies. 32% of babies in the United States are born to single mothers, and in 2006 mothers headed 87% of one-parent families with children under 15 years in Australia.
Parenting isn’t glamorous, it isn’t fun a lot of the time, it’s about making tough decisions and showing kids there are boundaries to their behaviour. To do that you have to be in the same space as children. Being there for a kid means physically showing up, cleaning up their vomit in the middle of the night, sitting through school concerts even when you’re bored, showing kids that as a parent you want to be in their lives for all the important moments. Any monkey can take their children to a cafe. Fathers who think that going to a trendy hairdresser is more important than being with their kids are not attractive. Yes, the rules of the game are being redefined but parenting isn’t something you can opt in and out of and decide to sit out on the bench for a few years, you’re either there or you’re not. Kids are tough bosses, they notice when you don’t show up for parenting duty. I meet many teenagers with mental health issues, and troubled adolescents are being admitted to hospitals in greater numbers than ever before; I truly believe that family breakdown plays a part. A lot of these kids crave time with absent parents. As a survivor of domestic violence I’m not advocating staying in an abusive relationship forever, but I really don’t think modern men are trying hard enough to keep it together for the kids or themselves.
Divorce is painful for kids. So if your relationship is faltering from the burdens of modern life, not enough time or money or extended family to give you a break from the relentless pressure of work, child rearing, nursing ageing parents and paying the bills, get thee to a good counsellor.
All the research apparently says that kids from broken families do fine eventually. But there are a lot of tears, heartache and wasted energy between now and the mysterious destination called eventually.
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HSC Mothers Anonymous
Posted: February 21, 2014 Filed under: Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: 2014 HSC exams, a prayer for HSC parental suffering, A teenage beast ate my darling child, Advice for single mothers, chardonnay therapy support group, feeding teenage beasts, first world problems, government schools, grateful, help for mothers, HSC mothers support group, HSC stress, It will be over soon, local high school, love, lucky but still a whinger, mothers doing children's homework badly, not the be-all and end-all it's made out to be, NSW Australian exams, please, public school problems, raising teens, single mama dramas, single mother high alert, single mother sanity, single mother struggles, so lucky my girls are getting a good education, teenage trauma, The Lion King - Hakuna Matata, too much study, Where did my cute little girl go? 2 CommentsMy senior school kid has been back at her girls’ prison camp for a few weeks and I’m already suffering. One day I had a beautiful child, the next the HSC devil dragged her away and left a lovely ‘personality’ in her place. Part way through Term 1 the pressure of big exams is already driving me crackers, so I’m starting a therapy group for mothers of HSC students.
Hello I’m Lou and I’m going through HSC stress. Symptoms include cranky cat’s bum face, lethargic dinner making, chocolate eating, bitching and moaning during over long phone calls with other mothers, slovenly housekeeping, delusions and fantasies about holidays.
My week looked like this:
Monday
Revolting moody child, homework piled up.
Tuesday
Revolting moody mother, work emails 30% finished
Wednesday
Coffee drinking, insomniac mother reading celebrity crap on internet until small hours
Thursday
Under eating daughter
Friday
Over eating mother
Saturday
Beautiful sunny child woman (weekends only). Highlight of week: 85% for essay mother helped with despite the tears. Mother calm.
Sunday nights at 5.30pm
Tearful tantrum throwing mother, only 61 pages of homework to finish.
I’ve had to call the chardonnay support group hotline three or four times this week.
When I tell my mother about my worries, she laughs and lets me know that the karma fairy has caught up with me. In the past fortnight I’ve finished a legal studies essay, written a piece on Warhol’s contribution to the art world and discussed the origins of World War 1 all while indulging her taste for exotic foods like feta cheese and olives. I’m up late every night doing all the study I should have done for my HSC back in the dark days of the 1980s. I hope I get a good mark this time.
“Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown. In my heart it don’t mean a thing.” Toni Morrison
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I know I’m single, maybe I like it
Posted: January 23, 2014 Filed under: Self improvement, Single, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, blended families, dating, dating ads, dating and mating, Dean Martin - Sway, Facebook profiles, happy single mothering, I'm flying solo but not for long, I'm so popular with men, internet dating, local singles, lonely single mothers, looking for a mate on the internet, looking for love in all the right places, Not looking for a boyfriend, online advertising, online pick ups, single mother dreaming, single mothers in demand, Singles Ads, so up myself, solo mothering, step families, targeted by Facebook ads, Wisdom for single mothers 2 CommentsMaybe I don’t. Facebook is offering me so many potential step fathers for my children I can’t decide which one to marry, they all speak good Engrish ‘n that.
I’m loving that I told the Facebook robot that I’m single, because I’m really enjoying the specificity of Facebook’s targeted advertising.
Dear Facebook ads
Do I want to connect with
Aboriginal singles
Local firemen
US sperm donors
Local Christians?
I’m also loving the requests and messages I’m receiving on Facebook too, some of them from famous men. The problem is that I’m spoilt for choice.
HELLO FROM MISS MERCY
I saw your profile in the face book and i was so interested i will like to have a good love relationship with you please write me back not in the face book please my dear so that i can send you my pictures
with love
yours mercy
Hello pretty, saw your profile and was moved with what i saw. I will like to know you more.just glanced through your profile and photos,I must really say you look charming,nice, magnificent and gorgeous in your picture..I don’t mind if I get to know you better,would really love to be your friend…i await your response.
hi lovely theophilus ,i am very happy to see your reply,and i am happy that you are a christian,i too is a christian,i am happy that i meet somebody like you in internet,i am single never married,i am 30yrs old,i need a very straight woman that i will live the rest of my life with ,i am from Africa,and i really have interest on foreign woman, so that i will learn the culture of other country,i am a guy that believe in truth,carering,loving and trusting,i am a hard working some one who believe in spiritual,and i am a new person in internet,because before i wrote to you i fasted and pray,for gods favour.count on me i will make my self a part of your family,love you so much,hopping to hear from you,
My name is Jeremy, I have a friendly feelings. I saw your profile today and i decide to leave a message for you, I like the gentleness in your eyes which shows sincerity, I will like us to get to know each other better hope to read from you soon …..cheers.
Hello dear how are you.i hope you are doing fine,i was delighted when i got to your profile,and i hope you can give me a chance to be a good friend to you.well hope i can read from you soon.
hello pretty
how are you doing hope you are doing great i saw your picture here on Facebook it really caught my heart i am new here i will love to get to know you more better my dear i mark smith i live in UK London
Am a man of dignity, sincere,honest,dedicated, responsible, patience,passionate, affectionate, loving, caring and adventurous.I don’t care about distance, provided you are for real, and ready for a long term relationship am ready to settle down and be with you sooner than you can ever imagine.
perhaps we could set up conversation to know each other more better,
I look forward to hearing from you, Till then. Have a loving day best love always,
smith…
How are you today? You look good can i get to know you more ?? I am really warm my face with smile after coming close to your profile , You look so special.I always feel so honored and happy to know you..I’m a single father .
Can we be good friends?
I’m Harry..
Hello? My name Paul Simon I’m interested in knowing you and being friendly with you . I would appreciate it if we get acquainted as soon as possible . I quite believe we can start from here since it takes a moment to know someone. From Paul Simon
It is my pleasure communicating with you for the first time and believing that it will lead to a better relationship. I was looking through my face book profile and i actually stop on your page. i live here in America ,single and hoping to fine nice company.i hope we try to get to know each other ,start a conversation if that’s fine with you.i am just an easy going person, don’t mean to disturb you. Please permit me to inform you my mind, because I have made up my mind to express my feelings and my present condition to you. Please never be offended. I hope distance and colour has nothing to do with this matter. I have no problems with age difference between you and I, i so much believe that my freedom will come through your good help.
Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholders..Oh my God, you are so cute and beautiful..never knew there were still angels on earth.I will like to know more about you if you don’t mind.My name is Adrian Bowen and I am from Germany.Take care and have a wonderful day.
You are really pretty
Words can’t express your beauty, Are you from this planet?
Tell me whatever cream you apply that made you so fresh and sparkling. LOL
Can we be friends here? my names are Raymond Harry and i work as U.S army in american, please don’t hesitate to write to me back cos that’s the only way we can communicate for now…a
Hi my dear,
Is said to be a day that Great friends meet and become great, i stopped by on your profile , as this your profile
picture got me attracted and made me to be interest to know you more, am sorry for batching into your privacy
inbox with my message to you without your permision i wish to be your friend and to know you more? please
reply to my message immediately you read it.
best regard
sincerely yours
Richard David
GBU
I’m so in awe of their flattering words and fabulous punctuation, I think I’ll have to take votes from my readers, which lovely suitor should I choose? Raymond, Richard, Erika, Harry, Mercy, Adrian, Jeremy or Paul Simon?
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The end is nigh
Posted: January 18, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: budget parenting, CLIFF RICHARD and the SHADOWS - SUMMER HOLIDAY, Cliff Richard driving a bus, counting the days until kids go back to school, creative parenting, happy single mothering, holidays with girls, long summer holidays, mental health of single mothers, motherhood, no money holidays, school holidays, single mother sanity savers, stay at home, staycations, tight arse budget 4 CommentsOnly 10 days to go until my delinquent children go back to the maximum security prison I’ve chosen for them. Mothers, if you’re looking for something to fill the remaining days of torture, no, I mean happiness, I believe that staycations are currently popular. Or as single mothers call them, staying at home because it’s all we can bloody afford. So my kids and I are on trend. Travelling with kids and pets is just moving the chaos and mess to another more expensive location anyway. Or you could try going on a cheap holiday with another single parent; boozing, gatecrashing other people’s parties at the park for food and losing your children at an unfamiliar shopping centre are standard single mother school holiday adventures.
If, like me, the thought of camping makes you dry retch, borrow a tent from a friend and pitch it in the back yard for your kids or even the front nature strip if you live in an apartment. In summer kids can live in a tent for months at a time. Think about this: the money you save on holidays can go towards a cleaner, so you can continue to be a dirty house mother.
The long summer holidays can often look like this: extra kids, 3 broken eggs, 2 sleep ins, 7 old movies watched 100 times, 3 shopping expeditions to the two dollar shop, 3 weeks, sorry, days spent wearing pyjamas, 8 play dates, 37 cupcakes, 15 burnt offerings, dog eared books, hundreds of sighs and ‘I’m-so-bored’s’, 12 paintings that the landlord will want you to remove before you get your bond back, and one over-medicated, cranky, over-tired mother. On the last day of the school holidays, I will have a picnic to celebrate the end of summer, if you can call a bottle of riesling a picnic.
loupollard 
Single mother expense rorts
Posted: January 4, 2014 | Author: loupollard | Filed under: FEMINISM, Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: an empty purse fills the face with wrinkles, blowing the budget, cash for comments, expense accounts, I want money, irrational resolve, Phyllis Diller quotes, political rorts, regret, single mother delusions, that's what I want, the best things in life are free, The Flying Lizards - Money, your love won't pay my bills | 2 CommentsBloody Santa forgot to bring me an unlimited expense account, a platinum credit card and a billionaire husband, so as a single mother in 2014 I’m right into cash for comments. An empty wallet fills the face with wrinkles after all. Single mother ailments include: regret, despair and irrational thoughts; hang on that’s just motherhood, single or not.
Raising children can be a financial disaster so single mothers need a steady source of income that doesn’t involve prostitution or selling said children on eBay. Large bills and small children are a stressful mix so we can pretend that everything will be fine or delve into the murky world of political expense rorts. I propose a single mother ‘cash for comments’ scheme, where every time a politician states the bleeding obvious on television he is fined and the money put towards raising the children of our nation who have been abandoned by fathers who won’t pay child support. I’m sure Tony Abbott will love it.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them” — Phyllis Diller
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