The Emperor’s New Clothes
Posted: September 13, 2014 Filed under: AUSTRALIA | Tags: Abbott must go, Australia's cruel refugee policy, Australian Politics, depressed by the current lack of political vision, I didn't vote for whasisname, not in my name, one term Tony, pale stale male Australian politicians, shameless Australian politicians, we've boundless plains to share 2 CommentsThis week marks one year since the Australian people voted in a bunch of uninspiring pale, stale, male pollies who bow to a fiscal god and think balancing a budget is the only important quality in a politician. Maybe we needed to have this bunch of boorish, entitled white males and their lack of vision to remind us to be compassionate, to care for one another, to give the homeless, the sick, the unemployed and refugees some of our time and our kindness. We come from a land of plenty, so just maybe these greedy men have woken us up so that we remember to dream of a world we really wish to live in and start to fight for it. Or maybe they’re just a pack of spineless puppets. Come the revolution we know who will be first to the guillotine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk9C1mO-mgc
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I like driving someone else’s car
Posted: March 16, 2014 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, exercise | Tags: Australians must own a car, car obsession, car sharing, cheap single mothering, GoGet, Green Car Share, green economy, Madagascar 2 Movie - I like to move it, pay as you go, revheads, sharing economy, single mother bargains, single mother budgeting 5 CommentsIt’s not quite a Jaguar.
Ancient Chinese proverb: Those without a car may have to walk
Call me a freak but when I tell people I’ve got three kids and I don’t own a car they gasp. Australians adore their cars and are very reluctant to give up the idea that city dwelling means not driving all the time. The citizens of London and Tokyo know that living in big cities and driving are not compatible. I love driving, I just don’t love visiting mechanics or car dealers or changing tyres or anything that involves engine parts. So I share cars. I belong to GoGet and Green Car Share. I also have truly lovely friends who have let me borrow their cars when they’re away. Car share is pay as you go, so as a single mum on a tight budget there’s a lot of merit in paying as you use a service. I’m not racking up huge debts to a bank or a finance company. I walk more than I used to and catch buses, and I hardly ever pay for parking (I’m allergic to it).
The only problem I have with car sharing is the owner’s poor taste in radio stations. I have to remember if I book a car to turn off the radio before I start the engine, so I don’t hear rednecks moaning to right wing chauvinistic talkback shock jocks at full volume. Luckily Go Get put CDs in their cars for borrowers to listen to.
Car sharing is good for the planet with so many cars sitting idly on the street not being used. You may have seen me on Today Tonight talking about car sharing but Channel 7 axed the show before my story went to air. Beep, beep.
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Good on ya ripper bewdy mate
Posted: January 26, 2014 Filed under: AUSTRALIA | Tags: all welcome, Anh Do, Australia Day, Australian animals, Australian comedians, Australian Culture, Australian customs, Australian fine dining, Australian haute cuisine, AUSTRALIAN HISTORY, Australian icons, Australian inflections, Australian lexicon, Australian National costume, Australian national language, Australian National Treasures, australian songs, bogans, bring your own beer, Chris Franklin, Chris Franklin "Bloke" Official Video, Ciel, drinking VB, flannies, in Australia consonants are optional, melting pot, national Australian sports, refugees, singe mother wisdom, singlets, sit down on the esky, thongs, we're all boat people Leave a commentWhen my children ask me questions about 26 January 1788, I try to be an intelligent, thoughtful single mother. I like to remind them that in 1994 some idiot politician decided it would be called Australia Day, AKA ‘today I have a license to be a redneck racist day.’ And Aboriginal people remember it very differently to white people. For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, it is Invasion Day and Survival Day, a celebration of the survival of people and culture. Australians hold different views on what 26 January means to them. I’d like to explain to my gals in an all encompassing, feminist-leaning, intersectional, embracing all cultures and values kind of way what Australia Day means, but we need to change the date. Some people get choked up with a false sentiment of the day and put it like this:
Happy Straya Day youse are all tops, onya, get a yabbie up ya, chuck a coldie down ya neck cobber.
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See ya mate
Posted: January 3, 2014 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, COMEDY, LOVE | Tags: Aussie comedy legends, Aussie comics, BB's at Bondi memories, Chet Atkins, Comedy legends, face like a burnt thong, funny Aussie blokes, funny ex army men, generous blokes, great singers, Jerry Lee Lewis - Funny How Time Slips Away, Laughter, mates, RIP, thank you, that's what friends are for, The Dickster, the sprinkler, TOM JONES, top blokes, Vale Dickster, way too young Leave a commentToday the Aussie comedy fraternity is saying goodbye to a top bloke, an Aussie comedy legend. Thanks for the laughs mate, you brightened my life at a time when I needed a friend.
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When it’s bad, it’s bad
Posted: January 1, 2014 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, COMEDY | Tags: a mate who would always buy you a beer, Around The World On Saturday Night ep 22 p3 of 8 interview with Dickster, Aussie comedy legends, Aussie comics, Australian army, celebrating his talent, friendship, full of ideas, funny bastards, funny ex army men, good blokes, great laughs, great mates, Harold Park Hotel 1998 and 1999, head like a burnt thong, loud mouthed comedians, mateship, memories of Bondi, Richard Kaminski, RIP Dickster, thanks for the laughter, The Dickster, top blokes, tribute to a friend, very Australian comedians 3 CommentsI’ve just found out that my old comedy mate Dickster died way too young. He was such a funny bloke, always quick with a joke if anyone was having a shit time, would always buy me a beer, always a gentleman. A big softie with a big heart. This is a great interview with him and how I will remember him. Thanks for the laughs mate, I’ll have a beer or three for you.
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On the 12th day of Christmas
Posted: December 20, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, LOVE | Tags: 10 Lords-a-Leaping, 11 Pipers Piping, 12 Drummers Drumming, 2 Turtle Doves, 3 French Hens, 4 Colly Birds, 5 Gold Rings, 6 Geese-a-Laying, 7 Swans-a-Swimming, 8 Maids-a-Milking, 9 Ladies Dancing, A very Merry Christmas, And a Partridge in a Pear Tree, Australian Culture, Christmas, Christmas carols, Christmas cheer, Christmas Songs, Christmas wishes, cumulative song, Festive season, John Lennon - Happy Christmas (War Is Over), Joyeux Noel, let's hope it's a good one, Merry Christmas, my favourite Christmas song, my true love gave to me, On the twelfth day of Christmas, popular songs, so this is Christmas, without any fear 4 CommentsOn the first day of Christmas my true friend gave to me
Twelve tall tales
Eleven nasty rumours
Ten bottles of wine
Nine pickled possums
Eight golden beers
Seven pieces of advice
Six out of reach dreams
Five onion rings
Four nudie runs
Three glaring reminders
Two thwarted ambitions
And an old friend laughing like a drain
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High and low lights 2013
Posted: December 15, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, COMEDY, Self improvement | Tags: 2013 year in review, A life well lived, Andaman Sea Thailand, births and deaths, Ciel - stand up comic, crazy 2013 year of turmoil, Deborah Abela, everyday sexist remarks, family holidays where no one fights, feminism, Feminist role models, foal burgers, Frank Sinatra - My Way (Live in London 1971), great teachers, Highlights of 2013, horse meat scandal, I am Malala, lover not a fighter, Malala, MONA Hobart, NELSON MANDELA, North Shore Relay For Life, One Direction, One Direction world domination, Philippine disaster, rape culture, reading, Russian meteor shower, singing dancing and Clown Doctoring, Sydney Fringe Festival 2013, Tasmania, US fiscal cliff, visionary leaders, Wendy Davis feminist hero, wrecking ball, Writers 6 CommentsWhat an insane year this has been, challenging, difficult, fabulous at times. Lots of kooky things happened in 2013. Apparently astrologically this can be blamed on something up Uranus
In February I lost my lovely friend (my favourite mother in law) and my children lost their favourite grandma in a terrible accident. She was a feisty feminist warrior, an artist and activist and we miss her
I took my munchkins overseas for the first time all together on a family holiday to visit my big brother and we loved it. We had a magical time; boat rides, 1000s of fish, gigantic snails, night markets, turtles, puffer fish, swimming, strange smells, diving, making new friends, eating fabulous Thai food and meeting the marvellous Sister Joan at Presentation Slums Mission in Bangkok. Life is about being with the people you love and telling them how special they are to you
I swam with fish in the Andaman Sea
I kissed a boy and I liked it
When I was MC for North Shore Relay for Life in March I took a bunch of local school kids up to the RNS Hospital cancer ward to sing for the adult patients. So beautiful and so sad. The questions from the kids in the lift on the way down were heartbreaking
I spent the winter writing comedy and workshopping my stuff with the fabulous Ciel. Then in September I had a fantastic time performing in three shows for the Sydney Fringe Festival including a show with my daughters and my solo stand up comedy show
I visited Tasmania for the first time and made great new friends and had a fabulous visit with an old friend. And I went to MONA in Hobart, what an art collection
I spent four days of madness and laughter with my Clown Doctor sisters and brothers and we giggled, played, danced and cheered each other up muchly
Australians got distracted by Twitter and stupid reality TV shows and forgot to hold their political leaders to account on environmental policies. Oops, there goes the Great Barrier Reef and our pristine wilderness
The entertaining children’s author Deborah Abela came to my daughters’ school and ignited a passion for reading in my youngest child. Thank you Deborah
My girls marched closer to adulthood as I learned to let go
The music of One Direction invaded my house like a wrecking ball
In Australia we had a federal election campaign that went on for 50 years (actually seven months but it felt like a gazillion times that). Australians voted against a vain PM and we ended up with Mr Misogynist refugee hater as our new prime minister
A magazine editor thought that a campaign featuring ladies not wearing any make up would empower women
I learned how to play more than three chords on my ukulele and sang funny songs with the beautiful families of very sick children in hospital
Damn, I forgot to marry for money
Around the world lots of crazy shiz went down:
In Britain there was scandal when the horse meat of the apocalypse was declared the national dish. Foal burger anyone?
Russians took a meteor shower
Mansplaining became the word du jour for more than a day
More women said ‘enough is enough I can’t go on’ (in the words of Barbra Streisand), and joined the fight for equal pay as feminists the world over marched closer to the imaginary land of Equality
In the US everyone stood near the fiscal cliff and peered over. Except the billionaires who were too busy raping and pillaging the country
In the Philippines a huge storm killed thousands and wiped out entire villages. MSF and many other charities restored our faith in human nature
Saudi women got behind the wheel and showed that women can drive too
Wendy Davis filibustered her way into feminist history
A celebrity flashed her undies, bought new boobs, had a baby, married her best friend’s personal trainer after stealing him from his fiancee, they got divorced after two days, she adopted seven children from a yak herder in Mongolia and released a perfume line featuring photos of the children in various states of undress (I think). This received more media coverage than unimportant issues like the death of the great Nelson Mandela
Madiba passed away at the age of 95 and the whole world mourned because we have too few visionary leaders and too many greedy narcissists in positions of power
Malala Yousafzai celebrated her 16th birthday with an inspirational speech, “We cannot all succeed when half of us are held back”
All in all a wonderful year of chaos
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Trendy
Posted: December 3, 2013 Filed under: ART, AUSTRALIA | Tags: David Bowie - Fashion, earth shattering events, going with the herd, important PR campaigns, life changing marketing decisions, listen to me, Lou Pollard's incredibly accurate predictions that marketing people should pay a fortune for, major marketing trends 2013, major marketing trends 2014, marketing trends, the importance of surveys to human evolution, trends of 2013, trends of 2014, viral marketing 6 CommentsIt’s the end of the year, so it is compulsory to make a list of achievements and resolutions and laundry. As a full time marketing guru and on trend media professional, I like to make predictions on what will be hip and cool next week.
The big trends of 2013 were:
Sports people making a dick of themselves while under the influence or prescription and performance enhancing drugs
Teenagers discovered that the original song was better than the cover version recorded by X Factor and Nobody’s Got Enough Talent contestants
Politicians relied on charities to fund important equipment in hospitals
White Australians made racist remarks
Aboriginal people behaved graciously and tried not to punch said white people’s lights out after 200 + years of provocation
Australian politicians dribbled all over babies in the longest political campaign in the history of the universe
Pickled onions on crackers with plastic cheese became incredibly fashionable
Footy socks with thongs were huge this year in Paris
I think the big trends for 2014 will be:
Parents photographing their children’s farts to post online
Viral marketing will be huge in hospitals – think flu, herpes, chicken pox and ebola and small pox viruses
Brady bunch style families complete with housekeeper, wooden-panelled station wagons and friendly local butcher
Repetition could catch on in a big way in 2014
Flanellette underpants in summer
Football teams who take copious amounts of performance enhancing drugs may actually win a championship
Researchers will find a cure for politicians who take themselves too seriously
Global warming BBQs will be the hit of every neighbourhood
80s perms will make a comeback for one week in mid July
Repetition could catch on in a big way in 2014
Americans will realise that guns kill a lot of people
(C) Lou Pollard 2013
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Aussie Code of Conduct
Posted: November 27, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, TRAVEL | Tags: Aussie cricketers sledging the English cricket team, Aussie kultcha, Aussie lingo, Aussie national sports, Aussie sporting traditions, Australian cricketers, Australian customs, Australian politicians, Australian relationships with other countries, australian songs, Australian-Indonesian diplomacy, bastards, bewdiful Aussie names, bewdy mate, Christine Anu My Island Home, cricket, drinking competitions, in Australia consonants are optional, Ken Oath, Oztraylian, pollies, rich oral tradition, spying in Australia, wankers Leave a commentApparently the English cricket team and the Indonesian President are calling for a code of conduct for all future dealings with Australian cricketers and politicians. I think this is a great idea for anyone who has to deal with us Oztraylians, so here it is, The Official Aussie Code of Cultural Conduct:
1. One must learn to speak Australian, consonants are optional. Oztraylian is our national language, by order of Ken Oath
2. One must learn to eat like an Australian, we’re partial to a bit of goanna on the barbie in the arvo, so rip into it cobber
3. Saying ‘one must’ is very unAustralian, it sounds like you’re an up yourself Pommy bastard. Try not to sound like you learnt your English from the BBC.
4. Apart from the first Australians, we all came here by boat, so any visitors must wear a boater (even if you flew in) and we will call you a ‘boatie’
5. We have a rich oral tradition, sledging is very fashionable in Australia. If you want to fit in, call your new Aussie acquaintance a wanker or a bastard, it is a term of endearment. We also throw the C word around to describe our friends. If you’re gay you can call a friend a faggot, and I’ll answer with a smile if my girlfriends call me an old tart
6. Respecting our language means abbreviating everything, barbeque is barbie, afternoon is arvo, Anthony John Abbott is shortened to utter tool
7. Respecting Aussie culture means giving thanks to the first peoples of this land who have a rich history. The posh parts of Australia like Sydney that were developed by the whities are a little different to your country, but they are filled with kultcha. We have historical buildings that are 10 or 15 years old
8. Spying is a part of the Australian national ethos. We have bloody big backyards and if we didn’t spy we wouldn’t know when we could drop in on our neighbours to use their pool and have a free feed
9. Many Australians get pissed (it is practically compulsory) and say things we regret the next morning, and we often forget the time difference between our sunburnt land and other countries, so please forgive us for our big mouths and time delay. Drinking on an empty head and spinning a yarn in the hot sun was passed down by our fore fathers and mothers.
10. Our only truly national sports are naked backyard cricket mixed with drinking competitions. We would be honoured to compete against your country
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Thank you for the music
Posted: October 10, 2013 Filed under: ART, AUSTRALIA, SONGS, WRITERS | Tags: Australian folk heroes, bloody cancer, cancer deaths, Chop Chop, Chopper Read dead, famous Irish bands, great Irish musicians, Irish music, kiss my arse, Mark Brandon "Chopper" Read, Melbourne underworld figures, never let the truth get in the way of a good story, Phil Chevron, Pogue Mahone, tall tales, The Pogues - Dirty Old Town Leave a commentBloody cancer has taken another creative being. Rest in Peace Philip Chevron, your music will live on. Whether on the main stage at Glastonbury, or crammed onstage in a tiny pub in Sydney, The Pogues were a brilliant live band in their heyday.
Meanwhile in Australia, notorious Melbourne underworld figure, ‘hitman’ and teller of tall tales Chopper Read has also succumbed to the big C. Thanks for the laughs Chop Chop, we will miss your storytelling but maybe not your murdering ways.
loupollard 