Put it in mothballs
Posted: March 18, 2018 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: artists, botox, Charles Bukowski, fillers, inspired thought leaders, Jack Kerouac, motivational speakers, plastic surgeons gone mad, shabby messy people, shambolic mess, single mother advice, single mother motivational experts, single mothers with attitude, sloths Leave a commentAutumn winds make me extra allergic to the online world of success coaches with glow in the dark teeth, perky personal fitspo gurus with Instagram famous bodies and shiny women with trout pout lips on an endless loop on Youtube. A generation of children are growing up with mothers who’ve had so much Botox put into their faces that these women cannot express the full gamut of human emotion on their dials. These zombie women scare me but I can’t stop staring, wondering when the fillers will stop working.
Then I get scratchy when I hear the words mastery, motivation, personal best, inspire, disrupt. Show me the leaders in lethargy, excellent examples of ennui, successful sloths, wonderful worriers. These are my people. To mangle Kerouac: the only ones for me are the crazies, the Bukowski drunks, the shabby, the borderline criminals, the drop outs, the dribblers, those grungy, suffering, unshaven cats who get thrown out of the best parties, the ones who always yawn out loud, the rambling, boisterous messes who convey every sloppy human emotion on their cracking apart faces. These are the people who make me feel good about myself, as I hide away at home reading, not wanting to face the world or climb any ladders.
Growing up into a cranky old cat lady, I’m pondering the autumn and winter of my life with a countenance that moves. As I slip under the radar with a face that loses its sheen every day, I think I like my mangy self best.
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Beetroot stains
Posted: February 18, 2018 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Self improvement | Tags: auspol, Aussie lingo, Australian politicians, Australian Politics, Barnaby Joyce, Beetrooter, Machine Gun Fellatio - Pussytown, pale stale male Australian politicians, Political hypocrisy, political rorts, Rootgate, Strine Leave a commentIt’s been a bloody grouse week for those of us who speak fluent Strine. We’ve had ripper new words and phrases added to our lingo:
Rejoyce – lying to your constituents then getting re-elected
Beetrooter – older white male who preys on young female work mates
Beetrorter – doing dodgy deals to ensure a parliamentary pension
Fang a Canavan* – protecting your mates despite their ability to act like a dickhead
Go Full Barnaby – chucking a sickie when the top job awaits
Ucken Joyce mate – to flick your wife and kids with no wucken furries
Chuck a Vikki – to root someone whom even Stevie Wonder would find fuggly
*See also nepotism & cronyism
Machine Gun Fellatio – Pussytown
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Dogstagram
Posted: February 11, 2018 Filed under: exercise, LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: cats of Instagram, cats on social media, cats with attitude, catstagram, co-parenting with cats, dogs on social media, Dogs on YouTube, Dogsofinstagram, Facebook, Instagram, love, pets, pets on social media, YouTube videos of cats Leave a commentThis week a friend who is not a fan of social media asked me: Why do cute pooches and pussy cats have more social media followers than most humans?
Why? Because we love them. Pooches believe in unconditional love. Aspirational humans do not. Cats have attitude and don’t give a shit. I love dogs of Instagram because dogs are pretty. Dogs on insta don’t have bad plastic surgery, fake boobs and plastic nails. They’re not going to take cheesy selfies with trout pouts at monasteries and mosques. Dogs don’t take photos of themselves doing cartwheels at sacred sites. Dogs don’t pretend to be social media experts, they’re not trying to improve our lives, help us reach unattainable goals, sell us products or help their owners train to be ultra fit marathon runners and brag about it. Dogs just are. I love dogs.
Cats aren’t trying to marry football players, flog baby clothes or inspire us to upgrade to a better lifestyle. Cats hiss and bite when they’re pissed off. Cats are cool.
But I do wish dog owners would post more photos of mutts with fleas, mange and weeping eyes. Cat owners could oblige by sharing their scratch and sniff cat pee in the corner of the living room snaps more often too.
I’ll keep this rant short, my cat needs to meet up with her personal trainer.
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Growing old disgracefully
Posted: February 4, 2018 Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: 50th birthday, ageing, disruptor, friends, growing old, how old am I?, influencer, inspo, life, life goals, love, Right Said Fred - I`m Too Sexy, satire, self love, single mother advice, single mother aspirations, single mother goals, wine 1 CommentMy oldest childhood friend is about to turn 50 and realising I have elderly friends has made me think about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Middle age can be about making time for personal growth and wondering what sort of human you want to become in the second half of your life. Once my kids have moved out of home, I want to inspire people, live well and have fun, so when I grow up, hopefully I’ll still be young enough to:
Care about my fellow humans like Sam Newman
Be open-hearted like Prune Macsween
Dance like Peter Garrett
Have the compassion of Miranda (Not Really) Devine
Pop pills like Ben Cousins
Manage my hair like Donald Trump
Tolerate people like Peter Dutton
Possess the humility of Malcolm Turnbull
Be open-minded like Andrew Blot
Be submissive like Eddie Maguire
Be as sexy as Bronwyn Bishop
What’s on your life goals bucket list?
I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred
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Zombies on YouTube
Posted: January 21, 2018 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, Self improvement | Tags: IT movie, kids are amazing, kids these days, scary clowns, scary movies, single mother problems, single mother super powers, single mothering, Single Mum, youngest child Leave a commentLazy school holiday afternoon. Single mother folding washing, fruit rotting in the bowl, flies buzzing around the child’s cooking/slime experiment, cat eating the last of the bread, children glued to their screens.
“Zen, what are you watching?”
“Some highlights from the IT movie.”
“I don’t want you watching that movie, you’re too young, it will give you nightmares.”
“The boy in it is a Virgo.”
“No.”
“He’s a Virgo like you mum.”
“NO, you are not watching it.”
“Worth a try, mum.”
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Duck off 2017
Posted: December 31, 2017 Filed under: FEMINISM, Self improvement | Tags: 2017 feminist champions, 2017 highlights, 2017 low llights, 2017 the year we had to endure, 2017 year in review, dump Trump, feminism, Feminist role models, hall of shame, idiots of 2017, impeach, resist, single mother struggles 2 CommentsAs I prepare to be disappointed by New Year’s Eve celebrations and charge my teen’s phone so I can nag her home at some ungodly hour, I say good riddance to 2017. What a bastard of a year.
There were many lowlights of the numpty kind:
Nivea white purity ad campaign
Orange moron in the White House
Spaghetti donuts
Potato Dutton spending billions on locking asylum seekers up on Manus & Nauru
Text messages auto-correcting to duck
Vegetable yoghurts
Abetz, Bernardi, Blot, Abbott, Kenny, Not Devine, Credlin
Ads featuring Kendall Jenner
Chicken flavoured prosecco
Fine artists Mary Tyler Moore, Sam Shepard, Malcolm Young, David Cassidy, Chuck Berry, John Hurt and Tom Petty left our world
More white male shooters became killers in the US
Too many beautiful souls died of brain cancer
But there were also many heroes of 2017:
Magda Szubanski
Jacinda Ardern
Father Bob
Father Rod
Larissa Waters breast fed her baby in parliament
Victorians elected the first-ever female indigenous MP, Lidia Thorpe
Kon from the ASRC
Mums 4 Refugees
A people-powered movement stopped Adani’s $1Billion loan
Same Sex marriage finally became law
War on Waste campaign
Women’s Marches across the world
The Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse ended; brave souls who’ve endured so much can hopefully begin to heal and churches will be forced to offer compensation
J.K. Rowling
Angela Merkel
Penny Wong
Lee Lin Chin
I graduated from primary school after 15 years
#MeToo ladies
Weinstein and other predators were named and shamed
Political leaders of the resistance
2018 is the year of the Earth Dog. According to Chinese astrologers, dogs sniff out the truth, corruption is exposed and the underdog is championed. Happy joyous New Year, may the dogs of 2018 pee on the legs of mansplainers, bring us a break from the political insanity, and bless us with more women in power, especially needed by those of us with a vagina.
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Single mother fruit cake
Posted: December 24, 2017 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: Christmas Eve, Christmas recipes, dysfunctional families, family drama, medicating before Christmas, Merry Christmas, relatives, single mother bargains, single mum advice, so this is Christmas 🎄 Leave a commentChristmas Dessert Ingredients:
Packaged, dried, past it’s best fruit from cheapo supermarket
Icing sugar
Gin
Lemons to taste
Eggs close to use by date
Flour sifted for weevils
Valium (quantity as required)
AC/DC on loud
5 kilos of family arguments regarding timing of food serving
7 phone calls from mother with dementia about how she will be forgotten at Xmas
Orphans popping in with their relatives who you can’t stand
Mix all ingredients, leave to rot and go to the nearest pub on Christmas Eve
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Inspo
Posted: December 17, 2017 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: 2017 year in review, 2018 predictions, 2018 trends, auspol, fashion 2018, fashion forecast, marketing, single mother achievements, single mother predictions, trendy 2 CommentsResearchers will find a cure for politicians
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Traditional values
Posted: December 10, 2017 Filed under: LOVE, MARRIAGE, Self improvement | Tags: change the law, equality, human rights, it is time, love, love is love, marriage equality, parenting, same sex marriage, SSM Leave a commentThia week Australia celebrated a victorious YES vote for marriage equality. After all the hate that was unleashed on the LGBTQIA community, it was beautiful to see my queer friends celebrating with their allies.
The religious hypocrites in the Anglican church spent $1million on an advertising campaign for the NO vote. ONE MILLION DOLLARS as homeless elderly people live under bridges and in cars.
I’m happy that most Australians stood up and fought for our friends so that we are all equal under the law. My gay friends have been bashed, spat at, ridiculed and put down by family and so-called friends and strangers. I’m writing this for all the times they’ve heard, “I don’t mind gays, but,” for all the times they’ve heard someone use the statement, “That’s so gay,” in a derogatory way. It breaks my heart to think of the pain they’ve experienced during this hateful campaign that could have been avoided if PM Turnbull had any courage.
All the gay parents I know have had to choose their path carefully, to consider what parenting really meant. I know happy, healthy kids who have two mums and two dads, and they’re thriving. My kids have one parent available to them 24/7 and they’ve had trying times. Heterosexual parenting is more likely to expose kids to harm.
These are the politicians who didn’t have the courage to vote yes or no. Remember their names at the next Federal election:
As Ellen de Generes said, “Here are the values I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.”
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Instagrammar
Posted: November 20, 2017 Filed under: exercise, Self improvement, WRITING | Tags: crowdfunding, fitspo, inspo, lifestyle gurus, marketing, single mother advice, single mother get rich quick schemes, social media, social media addiction, social media disruptors, social media influencers, thought leaders Leave a commentDear selfie kings and queens,
Here’s a revolutionary idea for you when posting to your millions of followers on Instagram: Your posts can be edited.
Call me old fashioned but if you profess to be an expert in your field, perhaps you could proudly display that you can grasp the basic idea of stringing a sentence together?
Maybe proclaiming that youre / your / ur a thought leader then displaying a smorgasbord of unedited grammar and spelling mistakes is not ideal for your brand. If you’re claiming to help people get millions of followers perhaps it would help if you were mildly literate.
It’s bad enough when Insta ‘celebratiez’ post photos of their ugly children, but recently, on her Insta feed, well-known personal trainer MB posted the words,
All be it
I think the word she was looking for was albeit. Really. I’m going to start a heartfelt crowdfunding campaign for the poor lady, she obviously can’t afford to pay someone to proofread her life-changing posts.
Pert ladies and buff gents, you know that tweets can’t be edited (looking at you idiot President number 45) but all your other brilliant revolutionary thoughts on other social media channels can. How about you learn to use the delete button and maybe send a text to a friend who can spell so they can read your genius ideas before you pay to boost your inspo post?
I really love that your /ur / youre a lifestyle guru and new media-savvy social influencer. Honestly I do. But if you want to be a disruptor (gag) then maybe read your ‘next ‘level’ post before you hit the share button…
loupollard 