Gen X Lexicon
Posted: May 30, 2014 Filed under: Self improvement, WRITING | Tags: 80s fashion victims, ageing disgracefully, children of grunge, children of the 70s, children of the 80s, Ed Byrne slates Alanis Morissette's Ironic, Gen X heroes, Gen X heroines, Gen x lexicon, Gen X sayings, generation X, Generation X terminology, Irony generation, Nirvana, translating modern linguistics 4 CommentsGeneration X are a grungey group of never grown up kidults reared on early MTV while our parents were drink driving, dealing and divorcing; we remember the day Kurt Cobain died not the day JFK was shot. As a fully fledged Gen Xer, I started this list originally on a scrap of paper on Campbelltown train station when I spotted a 14-year-old girl wearing a Katherine Hamnett T-shirt last seen in a Wham video in 1983. She told me it was ‘vintage.’ Her remark made me realise that pop culture has gotten out of hand, so here is my translation service for the new millennium.
A is for AFFECTED
Elle Macpherson and Kylie Minogue’s strangulated speaking voices. Pretentious? Moi?
B is for BACK IN OUR DAY
Something we never thought we’d hear ourselves say
B is also for BO-HO
Stuff your mum wore in 1972
C is for COVER
Original version of the song sounds better
D is for DABBLING in every job that came along
E is for EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
Glorified Receptionist
F is for FAUX
Overpriced copies made in China
F is for FITNESS INDUSTRY
Meatheads who get paid to work out, AKA I can’t fathom the cult of the personal trainer
F is also for FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Glorified waiter in the sky
G is for GRUNGE
You wore a flanny and a pair of ripped jeans because that was all you could afford. Apparently now it is an ironic fashion statement
H is for HEAVY Metal Music
We Gen X’ers lived through the glory days of Slayer, Metallica, Anthrax and Poison (not)
I is for IRONY, the defining characteristic of our generation
J is for JUSTIN BIEBER
Every generation has at least one heart throb. JB is this year’s Davy Jones, Donny Osmond, David Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Mark Wahlberg
K is for KNEES UP
The Beastie Boys trained us to fight for our right to party
L is for LOVE
We loved Space Invaders, Doc Martens, Siouxsie, Ackadacka, 80s faaaashion and dancing ironically
M is for MOVING out of home as soon as you could. We were the last generation in the western world to do this
N is for NIRVANA, one of the defining bands of our generation
O is for ORIGINAL music, which last happened in the 1980s before talent shows took over the world
P is for PISSED off we didn’t buy a house when prices were cheap in major capital cities
Q is for QUALITY TIME, a phrase that helps us get away with not spending much time with our kids
R is for RETRO
Stuff your dad wore when he was 18
S is also for STATEMENT PIECES
Designer knock offs of 80s originals copied in Bangladesh
T is for TWITTER
Twats are people who send tweets about their every fart. I try not to worry my hypocritical little head about trying to make sense of the narcissism of social media
U is for USED
E.g. Cheap stuff bought on Gumtree then sold for ten times the price on Etsy
V is for VINTAGE CLOTHING
Overpriced second-hand stuff bought at Vinnies or the garage sale of a recently deceased old lady, resold to you by an opportunist on eBay at inflated prices. Opening your parcel you exclaim,
“Why didn’t I keep that polyester shirt and tie I wore with my winklepickers in 1983?”
W is for Wardrobe Malfunctions, think Janet Jackson, Al Grassby, Duran Duran videos circa 1982 and Sigue Sigue Sputnik
X is for XRAY vision AKA If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have worried about a thing
Y is for Y is the generation after us such a bunch of entitled brats?
Z is for ZEITGEIST
A word we used a lot before we dropped out of our third university course
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Does my sassiness upset you?
Posted: May 29, 2014 Filed under: FEMINISM, LOVE, WRITERS | Tags: Ben Harper - I'll Rise with words from a poem by Maya Angelou, courage, does my confidence offend you?, grace, I rise, joy, love only, Maya Angelou, Poetry for single mothers, RIP Maya Angelou, single mother inspiration, we have lost a warrior for peace, you may shoot me with your words Leave a commentDear Maya Angelou, the world is a poorer place without you. Thank you for the love, wisdom and joy your writing brought us. Your words gave me hope in the darkest days of my life. Your strength and dignity in the face of life’s challenges are an inspiration.
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My favourite daughter is…..
Posted: May 23, 2014 Filed under: Birthdays, LOVE | Tags: beautiful daughters, eldest child, Eldest daughter, favouritism, first born ruined my life, firstborn changed my life, firstborn is best, happy single mothering, I'm building a feminist princess, my favourite daughter, Prince performing Starfish and Coffee with the Muppets, proud single mothers, single mother bliss, single mother celebrations, smart funny fabulous girls 2 CommentsWhen I was pregnant with The One Who Changed Everything I read a memoir by Isabel Allende called Paula, written about her daughter. Until I read the book I’d been in massive ‘motherhood won’t change me’ denial about my gal’s impending birth, but I knew afterwards that I was about to embark on a life changing journey. After an exhausting start, a little girl called V opened me up to the beauty and joy and suffering in the world, she showed me the way.
Happy 17th birthday Vee-Yon-Say, so glad I am your mama. Thank you for your wisdom, your light and your humour. I know I am the Eddy to your Saffy, I love you smarty pants
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Thank you Stevie
Posted: May 13, 2014 Filed under: ART, LOVE, SONGS | Tags: beauty, dancing, funky music, gratitude for beautiful music, happy, living with joy, music for the soul, musical genius, no one is cooler than Stevie Wonder, singing, singing makes me happy, soul, Stevie Wonder, Stevie Wonder - Superstition live on Sesame Street Leave a commentThank you for your music, you truly are a wonder.
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I’m your mother, I’m supposed to drive you crazy
Posted: May 11, 2014 Filed under: LOVE, Single Motherhood | Tags: glamorous single motherhood, Go on pamper me I'm your mother, happy single mothering, in praise of selfless mothers, let me eat cake, MOTHER'S DAY, Mother's Day 2014, Mother's Day Australia, my girls are my be-all and end-all, my mama worked so hard for me, peace, presents for single mothers, relaxation, single mother bliss, single mother dreaming, sleeping all day, spoilt single mothers, Stevie Wonder - Don't You Worry 'Bout A Thing (Live) 2 CommentsFlowers, chocolates, cards, a new house and a new car, my kids know how to spoil me on Mother’s Day, but apparently today they forgot what I really like so they got me some soap. And candles so that my cheeky youngest child, who is a trainee fire starter, can melt wax all over the house. Joy. And as it is Mother’s Day I am supposed to smile sweetly and be grateful and pretend that it doesn’t bother me, otherwise in a few years they will relocate me to a home for the bewildered that plays Phil Collins songs all day. Sigh. Motherhood is so glamorous and exciting isn’t it? Rest up today mamas, it’s going to be a big year
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May the Fourth be with you
Posted: May 4, 2014 Filed under: Thought For the Day | Tags: 70s childhood, feminist space heroes, hair donuts, Luke Skywalker, May 4, May the 4th be with you, May the fourth be with you, Princess Leia, single mother dreaming, single mothers must use the force, Star Wars - Help me Obi Wan Kenobi you're my only hope, Star Wars silliness Leave a commentLong, long ago in a far, far away galaxy called my delinquent childhood, I wanted to be an outer space princess. My best friend’s dad took us to see the Star Wars fillum when it was first released at the beautiful State Theatre in Sydney. Most 70s movies were a complete cockfest but this movie had our feminist heroine Princess Leia fighting the blokes while rocking a Grecian gown and sporting hair donuts that all of us gals copied immediately for school the following week. Now when I am exhausted and my children are screaming at each other I mutter, ‘Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.” May the force be with you…..
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Nursery rhymes for single mothers and others
Posted: April 29, 2014 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell | Tags: calm single mothering, fabulous way to get children off to sleep, happy single mothering, lullabies for children of single mothers, mothers, Nursery rhymes, singing to children, single mother delusions, single mother sanity savers, single parenting advice, soothing sounds for children, THE DICKHEAD SONG (Revenge Song) by Miles Betterman 4 CommentsMy single mothering advice is gold, I am full of it. Don’t worry about buying expensive parenting books, for calm children administer nursery rhymes, they are cheaper than sedatives (for you and the kids).
If you see a little bunny and it’s nose is very runny
You think it’s very funny but it’s snot.
Lou Lou had a little girl, she had a bit of colic
She fed her vodka twice a day, now she’s alcoholic
If your children won’t stop crying, sing:
Roses are red, violets are blue, the smell of vomit reminds me of you.
Or what about?
My hair is alive with the bite of head lice
There were three in the bed and the little one said,
Roll over, roll over
So they all rolled over and my feet got cold
Roll over, rollover my super, walk the dog, defrost the freezer, feel guilty about the stuff you haven’t done. Roll over, play dead so you don’t have to change a nappy roll over.
Hey Diddle Diddle, my life’s in a puddle I can’t seem to get enough cash.
My kids need more food, but the rent is due so I can’t afford to splash.
I’ve spent all my dosh on school clothes and books and treated kids to some honey,
Luckily their father has a conscience, here comes my ex with lots of money
No stop me! That one is pure fantasy
Roses are red,
My teenage daughter’s bedroom smells
Not that I care,
But I could if I wanted to
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Isn’t she lovely?
Posted: April 24, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: beautiful daughters, Chinese Year of the Horse, clever kids, difficult middle child, empathetic and compassionate kids, fabulous people, favourite children, funny, funny and clever girls, funny kids, gorgeous, happy single mothering, horse children, made from love, on the day that you were born the angels got together, proud single mama, proud single mothers, single mother bliss, single mother celebrations, smart, Stevie Wonder - Isn't She Lovely & Sunshine Of My Life 4 CommentsIn late 2001 I was pregnant with my second daughter and I went to have an ultrasound. I’ll never forget the words of the sonographer who looked at the images of my tiny girl on the screen and said, “What a beautiful baby.” Yes, she is, inside and out. Happy 12th birthday, my gorgeous horse daughter Moo. I love you.
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Single mother ethical dilemmas
Posted: April 19, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, cheap single mothering, do single mothers have loose morals?, Eat your heart out Alain de Boton, Marvin Gaye - What's Going On, modern moral dilemmas, shopping with kids, single mama drama, single mama solidarity, single mother ethical dilemmas, single mother euphemisms, stealing or borrowing? 4 CommentsIs borrowing herbs and vegies from your neighbour’s garden to feed your kids helping your neighbour harvest?
Is going out with a friend’s ex a step too far, or simply husband recycling?
Is dressing like a dishevelled, slutty cougar a fashion felony or merely community service? It pays to advertise after all.
Is leaving your fighting children in the car at the shopping centre for 15 minutes while you dash into the shops wrong or the best thing to stop you shouting at them?
Is turning a blind eye in the supermarket fruit and veg section while your children gobble up the grapes and berries considered stealing or simply an affordable way to help your kids eat their five serves a day?
Will your toddler turn into a delinquent if you let them carry out their own eat what you find Easter egg hunt in your local shop 10 minutes before closing time on Easter Saturday? Or only if your child catches you hiding the foil wrappers from the security cameras?
Teenagers are expensive and cat food is cheap. Is telling your children that you make a ‘special meatloaf’ wrong?
Is it a crime to send your obviously underage 16 year old to the local RSL to win the meat tray raffle even though the slab of dead animal will feed your family for a week?
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Single Mother lexicon
Posted: April 13, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Guns N' Roses - Welcome To The Jungle, Homage to single mothers, single mamas, single mother delusions, single mother dictionary, single mother euphemisms, single mother lexicon, Single mother translation, Single motherhood, Single mothers, single mothers with attitude, single mummas, solo mothering 2 CommentsA is for Attitude. You’ll develop it after years of single motherhood
B is for Breeder’s regret, as in I picked him to be the father of kids? What was I thinking? Breed with a man not a boy
B is also for Bribery, a helpful device in the single mother tool kit
C is for Can I share custody with this man in five years time?
D is for Don’t know how you do it, translation: I don’t want your life, it looks too hard
E is for End of summer, a day celebrated by single mothers whenever children go back to school after months of holidays
F is for Frustration, i.e. speaking to any government department about collecting money for your kids from your children’s father
G is for Glamorous, what single mothers become when their offspring visit their father
H is for Halloween, lots of free lollies for your deprived children
I is for I’m a single mother this week, what coupled up ladies say when their partner is away for more than two days
J is for “Just wait ’til you become a mother.” Frequently said by single mums to their kids
K is for Know It All Children AKA other people’s children
L is for Long ago and far away I used to be young, free and sassy
M is for Mothering Monday, the second Monday in May. Easily the best day to receive bargain flowers, soap and sympathy. Boxes of sweet fancies go cheap on this day.
N is for No money until pay day
O is for Oh My God, tinned spaghetti again?
P is for Perfect families, fictitious people who make children of single mothers envious
Q is for Queen of budgeting
R is for Red Cordial, what you give your kids when they’re going to meet your ex’s new girlfriend for the first time
S is for Sanity, what you lose when you become a single mother
S is also for Schooligan
The little rat in your kid’s class with parents who insist their child is a saint
T is for Teens, the beasts your kids turn into before they become lovely adults who thank you for your sacrifices
U is for Unbelievable, the amount politicians think you can live on
V is for Vinnies, the clothing boutique of choice for most single mothers
W is for Wild side, staying up past 10pm on a school night
W is also for Would, as in I would talk to my ex but I don’t speak moron
X is for Exhausted, permanently
Y is for Y did I choose to live like this?
Z is for Zone Out: what single mums do when married breeders talk about their cleaner
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