Why I love Facebook

I recently read this ad on Farcebook:

Robin Banks – Sponsored Post
Don’t miss out on your only chance to see world-renowned Mind Power expert Robin Banks for the very first time in Sydney. Register Now!

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Bec Davy
Having faith in God and hope through his strength and grace and awesomeness allows u to achieve all your goals and live a life of abundance…. Service and happiness and peace
Like · Reply · 6 hrs

Stacey Donnelly
Dick head
Like · Reply · 23 October at 23:23


2016 achievements so far

At the end of 2015, I had a lot of goals for 2016:
More corporate tax paid
Less foreign aid cuts
More cake eating
Less Michelle Bridges
More real people
Less Insta famous twats

As we approach a new season, I thought I’d update my 2016 resolutions. Losing weight and being more productive are so 2012. Why not try these achievable ideas instead?

I will:

Blink more
Raise my cholesterol
Stare into space, at least three times a day
Say ‘I’ll do this later ‘ more frequently
Spend more time on social media looking at photos of strangers doing things I want to do
Be more envious of others (see above)
Remove kale, coconut and slow pressed juices from my home
Wait for something to happen

 

 

 

I feel better already


Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam

I’ve started 2016 feeling full of hope and joy.

I’ve been poked numerous times (on Facebook) and had a gutful of spam in my inbox. I’m loving it. I love the nonsensical emails I receive much more than work emails. These spammers have a wonderful grasp of the nuances of the English language and obviously an eye for the ladies.

Far better than inspirational Pinterest posts, spammers inspire me to parent better, reach for the stars and drink more. I’m enjoying a weekend full of spam and helpful Facebook messages from strangers. Pass the chardy.

Too much of information regarding recent styles block the minds of the childs and distract them from their studies.

You do research and find supplier for this item and now you successful selling it online.

So yoou probably wonder what to say to a girl on MySpace, or whst to say to a giurl on Facebook.

I will immediately grab your arss as I can’t to find your e-mail subcription hyperlink newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Kindly let me recognize so that I may.

Guys not shy about using elements of sexual language in their handles, for example Stud – Muffin, Lover – Boy and the like

Hello, good evening, welcome


Smothering

As the childrens head back to school after the long summer holidays I have turned into tyrant mother. I’ve installed software that cuts off the internet, which is a shame because it is really cutting into my time-wasting watching inane crap on social media therapy. I am not the first parent to use the cruel to be kind parenting method (patent pending), but in the digital age us parents need help to conquer the gazing at pointless clips on youtube disease that has spread amongst our kids. My youngest loves watching people playing Minecraft. WTF? I guess that’s no different to my secret joy at reading celebrity gossip and looking at pictures of Brad and Angelina and pretending I have that kind of fantasy family life. My 13-year-old is so sleep deprived from reading all the late night messages from her friends I had to stage an intervention. She told me not to cut off the internet so she could complete her homework but I figure if she hasn’t done it by 10 at night it’s too late. I’m hoping my little technological helper will enable me to have a more rested and harmonious household. My gal may even read one of the novels she is supposed to study this year and I may get some work done.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TM4RtUo5s0g


Happy New Year I Think

Week one of my New Year’s Resolutions. So far I’m winning.

Christmas hamper bickies and choccies have enabled my kids to have delicious healthy breakfasts throughout the school holidays with all the major food groups: fat, salt, sugar and preservatives

Christmas wrapping paper carpeting the floor hides all the stains

I embarrassed my children a lot more in 2015 than I did in any other year, I’m hoping to top that in 2016, especially with my fashion choices

My children will learn the meaning of housework

None of them have been to hospital yet

Pieces of craft line the house

Can’t wait until my maid arrives after I’ve won the lottery

For the second year running I will give up washing my teenagers’ clothes, the smell is worth it


The resolutions will be televised

And they will be Instagrammed, photoshopped, Facebooked, Tweeted, Pinned, Googled, Tumblr’d and flogged on every available social media site. I hope the New Years Eve revolution (where we overthrow the politicians who run the current economic system of inequality) will be televised, but we’ll probably just be watching the same predictable TV show hosts bumbling their way through awkward live broadcasts of drunk people and fireworks.

 

Here is my riveting Lou Pollard official single mother New Year’s resolutions list (patent pending). In 2016 I promise I will:

 

1. Give up making lists that will never be acted upon
2. Feed the cat
3. Pat the backyard lizard
4. Sleep
5. Breathe
6. Swim
7. Laugh a lot
8. Prise myself away from pointless youtube searches
9. Dance
10. Feed the children

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Op-uIUIktWY


The year my brain broke

2015 was a year of hard work, heartbreak and incredible joy. Some people I love and admire endured tragedy this year, we lost more friends to cancer and many of my friends lost parents.

In March, my Clown Doctor colleagues, Dr S. Duffer and Dr P. Brain and I had a lovely visit to Sydney Children’s Hospital with three members of the Australian cricket team, Brad Haddin, Nathan Lyons and the captain Steve Smith. Lovely blokes who spent hours with very sick kids, told corny jokes and when we took the mickey out of them they were great sports.

My mum went to live in a nursing home

I visited beautiful kids at the Royal Deaf and Blind School with Dr Noodles

In May I received a four-star review for my second solo show and sold out my last performance a the Enmore Theatre for the 2015 Sydney Comedy Festival Looking For Mike Brady

I didn’t find Mike Brady but I developed a crush that lasted all year

In September I wrote and performed my third solo show A Real State for the 2015 Sydney Fringe Comedy Festival

The worst federal government in Australian political history realised they had to ditch the idiot at the top and replace him with a sly fox

In October I played Dream Cricket in Bowral with very special children

In November I travelled to Queensland to giggle, train, sing, laugh and be inspired by my Clown Doctor colleagues from around Australia

In December, I kissed a few babies, met Fred Nile and stood for the federal seat of North Sydney for The Arts Party. About 2% of the electorate voted for me

Then I spent an incredible night with Dr Boogie at Taronga Zoo for Dreamnight, and a week later flew around Sydney with a bunch of amazing families on a large QANTAS jet then had a joyful day at Bear Cottage

I shot two ads and did some fabulous corporate jobs thanks to my marvellous agents

The heartbreaking deaths of Sandra Bland and Miss Dhu taught us that we still have a long way to go if we want to end the high rates of black people dying in custody

White Australia failed to acknowledge Aboriginal people in our constitution

Sharks ate lots of humans this year, Adam Goodes retired and despite finding a Boeing flaperon, MH370 is still missing

In Paris, Syria, Beirut and Afghanistan innocents were murdered and suicide bombers went off

I spent another wonderful year being a fool in hospitals in the presence of beautiful families, while the mothers of MEB helped me parent. 2015 has been an exhausting and inspiring year of madness

at Sydney Children's Hospital

Steve Smith, Brad Haddin, Nathan Lyons, Dr Quack, Dr Duffer & Dr P. Brain

https://youtu.be/6_qisdUGPx8


Robbin’ Banks

Once upon a time there were God botherers and L. Ron Hubbard believers. Now there are so many self-help gurus in our world that I don’t know who to believe any more. I recently read a paid post on Facebook that I feel compelled to share. The two comments below the post made it extra special:

Robin Banks (really)
Sponsored ·
Don’t miss out on your only chance to see world-renowned Mind Power expert Robin Banks for the very first time in Sydney. Register Now!

11 people like this
Comments

Bec Davy Having faith in God and hope through his strength and grace and awesomeness allows u to achieve all your goals and live a life of abundance…. Service and happiness and peace
Like · Reply

Stacey Donnelly Dick head
Like · Reply · 23 October at 23:23


RU OK?

Today is National RU OK? day. Please check on your friends, family, neighbours and loved ones and ask them: Are you OK? We are so busy and so disconnected but together we can prevent suicide. If you know someone who lives on their own, a smile and a chat could be what they need. I have rung Lifeline in my darkest hour and the woman who answered the phone was brilliant. May the legacy of Gavin Larkin live on and spread across the world.

If you need help call Lifeline in Australia: 131144

RU OK DAY about


I am an artiste

As I attempt to be a full time bullshit artist I thought it was about time my mass of followers received (drum roll) the official Lou Pollard Artist Statement:

Through my work I attempt to examine the phenomenon of Clown as a metaphorical post modern conceptual interpretation of both fart jokes and sad faces.

What began as a personal journey of foolishness, bitterness and procrastination has translated into utterances of profound stupidity that resonate with Fool-identifying white people to question their own meaning.

My mixed media prop laden jokes embody an idiosyncratic view of me as a guru slash hot mess slash cultural icon, yet the familiar imagery allows for a connection between the dominant 21st century archetypes of garden gnomes and junk food.

My written work is in the private collection of Zsa Zsa Gabor’s nephew’s high school classmate who said, ‘fork!, that’s ucken unrool shining Art that is. An’ she’s ‘ucken cheap as.’

I am a recipient of a grant from Centrelink, after they tagged me and released me back into the wild camouflaged as a cougar. I have performed in group shows on Rundle Mall and for staff at the TAB, though not at the same time. I currently spend my time between my gendered bed and bathroom.