Spam of the year
Posted: January 17, 2016 Filed under: COMEDY, Uncategorized | Tags: Christmas comes early, Christmas spam, dreams come true, fail to comply, favourite emails, FLOTUS, letter from a prince, letters from loved ones, Michelle Obama, POTUS, single mom dreams, single mother delusions, single mother dreams come true, spam 4 CommentsThis is my favourite ever spam email, even though it doesn’t promise me a new husband, it has been checked by anti-virus software and is from the FLOTUS.
BARR, JOHN KURTY
Reply-To: wellsfargobankoffice01@gmail.com
From Mrs. Michelle Barack, LAST UPDATE
The White House
(Official Residence of the President of the US)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington DC 20500 USA
How are you today? This is last you will ever hear from me and you fail to comply.
I am Mrs. Michelle Obama and I am written to inform you about your Bank Cheque Draft brought by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC which contains the sum of $20.000.000 millions us dollars credited from the bank of America, the delivery of your funds has been mandated to be deliver to your address on Friday, December 18, 2015 to you as soon as you get back to me with your home address and your cell phone number.
Bear in mind that I have taking my time to be in charge of your funds as instructed by my husband to ensure that you received your funds successfully from the white house to reduce the economy and I’m the only one that has your funds in regard to my husband Mr. Barack Hussein Obama II and you will have to pay the sum of $95.00 only before your Bank Cheque Draft will deliver to you on Friday, the reason why the fee is required is to have your funds clearance paper from the origin of the funds to avoid any harassment from the authority and you are also expecting to be announce as winner of the said amount by Friday as soon as your fund is delivered to you.
So you are urgent advised to get back to me with your home address and also the payment information today for immediate effect of your delivery. Note that the $95 is the only fee and final payment you have my assurance.
However, according to our agreement with the originated Benin Republic, all our communications should be on email for record purpose so follow my instruction accordingly, even if you don’t have the $95 try to borrow it and send it immediately today because this is your life opportunity and I don’t want you to lose the chance any more.
Please I will advice you to urgent make the payment this morning via western union money transfer to the listed cashier information as instructed you by the originated authority. I will look forward to received your email today with the payment to enable the origin secure the required clearance papers required at White House Benin to deliver your funds. Note that it will take only 14hrs to deliver your Bank Cheque Draft in receipt of the $95 payment.
Please find the payment data below to send the $95 via western union.
Receiver Name: PRINCEL URAMAKA
Country: BENIN
City: COTONOU
Question: Urgent
Answer: Needed
Amount: $95.00
MTCN reference number…………
Sender Name………..
Sender’s Telephone……
Sender’s Address……..
I look forward to your respond to your email with the payment today.
Regards
Mrs. Michelle Barack
The White House
(Official Residence of the President of the US)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington DC 20500 USA
—
This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.
Share this:
Move over, there’s a new supermodel
Posted: May 17, 2015 Filed under: Self improvement, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, cover girls over 40, dressed for success, glamorous single motherhood, Lift magazine, magazines for single mothers, Right Said Fred - I`m Too Sexy, single mom magazines, single mother delusions, single mother fashion, Super model single mothers Leave a commentDon’t let anyone tell you that you’re too old to be a supermodel. At the ripe old age of 30 something (my maths is terrible) I have at last become a cover girl. Dressed in clothes that will definitely embarrass my teenager, I am featured in the May issue of Lift magazine, a fabulous new read for single mothers and their huge band of servants, personal trainers, private chefs and stylists.
Click on the link to read my story:
Share this:
A FAIRY TALE FOR SINGLE MOTHERS
Posted: February 1, 2015 Filed under: LOVE, Single Motherhood | Tags: big bad wolf, blended families, fairy tales for single mothers, husband hunting, Lana Del Rey - Wolf, single mother delusions, single mother dreams, single mother ethical dilemmas, single mother fantasies, single mothers repartnering, single mothers with attitude 1 CommentARE YOU MY HUSBAND?
A single mother left her babies in the nest with a teenager in charge. The kids screamed so the mother left in a hurry.
“Damn,” said the mother. “I’d like to find a husband. I’ll be back.”
So away she went, a long way from the deep dark suburbs.
She did not know what her husband looked like. He might have walked right by her. She did not see him.
Where is my husband?
She looked at the golf course. She saw a sporty young man in a golf buggy. Are you my husband?
The young man just stared at her like she was deranged.
The sporty man was not her husband so she walked on.
Then she came to a pub. She saw a pot bellied drunk at the bar.
“Are you my husband?” She said to the man.
“Me wife kicked me out, I could be your hubby,” he said.
“No, you are a yobbo, you are not my husband.
The pot-bellied drunk was not her husband. The young sporty man was not her husband. Where is my husband?
She came to a strip club. She saw a man who looked sharper than a rat with a gold tooth sitting in a booth.
“Are you my husband?’ she said to the man.
“I could be your husband tonight baby, “ said the man.
“No, you are not my husband, you are a player,” she said.
She looked on the Internet. She found a man whose photo was 20 years old.
“How could you be my husband?” He replied. “I am gorgeous and you are an old cougar.”
“Where is my husband? Where could he be? I will have a husband, I will, I know I will find him”
The single mummy ran, she saw a road worker showing his bum crack. No! He was not her husband. She ran on and on.
She called to a good-looking older man, but he did not stop, he went right on.
The mummy walked on and on. “Where am I?” said the mummy, “I want to go home.”
So the single mummy went home and when she got to her front gate, the mummy saw a cute man visiting her neighbours.
“There he is, there is my husband!” she said.
“Do you know who I am?” said the cute man.
‘Yes, you are not a yobbo, you are not a player, you are not too young for me, you are not too old for me, you are not too good looking, you are cute and you are my husband.”
And they lived happily ever after in separate houses keeping their five children from three different marriages at arm’s length.
THE END
Share this:
Santa’s checking his list
Posted: December 24, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood, Thought For the Day | Tags: Bing Crosby Christmas songs, Christmas cheer, Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby Christmas Special 1957, happy single mothering, Merry Christmas, no Christmas beer, presents for single mothers, sanity clause, Santa Claus is coming to town lyrics, Santa has two lists and I'm on the wrong one, Santa knows and sees all, single mother celebrations, single mother delusions, who is naughty, who is nice 4 Commentsand I’m checking my single mama Christmas list. Mine looks a bit different to Santa’s version:
Last minute, hope this will do presents for my kids – tick
Chocolates bought at service station for relatives – tick
Happy face on when kids buy you same cheap present as last year – tick
Fight with siblings – tick
Feeling abnormal – tick
Dysfunctional family – tick
Underwhelmed by lack of French champagne and luxury goods – tick
Forgot my own present – tick
Can’t drink alcohol because I’m driving all over town – tick
Smile for my mother even though I really hate eating ham – tick
Not feeling very relaxed because I’m holding the fort – tick
Dream bubble above my head of me with a hottie on a Caribbean beach instead of being stuck in a hot house – tick
Sending cards to all the family and friends I forgot about on Boxing Day – tick
What’s on your Christmas wish list?
Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby Christmas Special 1957
Share this:
Single Mother Bucket List
Posted: June 6, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, bucket list for single mothers, get me a bucket, happy single mothering, just happy, more than a bucketful, Shirley Bassey "This Is My Life", single mother bucket list, single mother delusions, single mother dreams, single mother truths, single mothering with attitude Leave a commentFinding a single 97 year old billionaire outside a Las Vegas wedding chapel
Enough grocery money for cask wine, Prozac, Phenergan and two minute noodles
Finishing a sentence without being interrupted by a child
Stripping without anyone grimacing
A full bucket of French champagne bottles
Doing a poo in peace
Getting ex to pay for kids
Drafting legislation to outlaw the word ‘panties’
Having a holiday that doesn’t involve child friendly parks
A bucket full of money
Children shoplifting without getting caught
Lying on a beach for 2 weeks while servants cater to every whim
Silence
Smiling because I’m not worrying about bills I can’t pay
Outlawing bucket lists
Share this:
Nursery rhymes for single mothers and others
Posted: April 29, 2014 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell | Tags: calm single mothering, fabulous way to get children off to sleep, happy single mothering, lullabies for children of single mothers, mothers, Nursery rhymes, singing to children, single mother delusions, single mother sanity savers, single parenting advice, soothing sounds for children, THE DICKHEAD SONG (Revenge Song) by Miles Betterman 4 CommentsMy single mothering advice is gold, I am full of it. Don’t worry about buying expensive parenting books, for calm children administer nursery rhymes, they are cheaper than sedatives (for you and the kids).
If you see a little bunny and it’s nose is very runny
You think it’s very funny but it’s snot.
Lou Lou had a little girl, she had a bit of colic
She fed her vodka twice a day, now she’s alcoholic
If your children won’t stop crying, sing:
Roses are red, violets are blue, the smell of vomit reminds me of you.
Or what about?
My hair is alive with the bite of head lice
There were three in the bed and the little one said,
Roll over, roll over
So they all rolled over and my feet got cold
Roll over, rollover my super, walk the dog, defrost the freezer, feel guilty about the stuff you haven’t done. Roll over, play dead so you don’t have to change a nappy roll over.
Hey Diddle Diddle, my life’s in a puddle I can’t seem to get enough cash.
My kids need more food, but the rent is due so I can’t afford to splash.
I’ve spent all my dosh on school clothes and books and treated kids to some honey,
Luckily their father has a conscience, here comes my ex with lots of money
No stop me! That one is pure fantasy
Roses are red,
My teenage daughter’s bedroom smells
Not that I care,
But I could if I wanted to
Share this:
Single Mother lexicon
Posted: April 13, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Guns N' Roses - Welcome To The Jungle, Homage to single mothers, single mamas, single mother delusions, single mother dictionary, single mother euphemisms, single mother lexicon, Single mother translation, Single motherhood, Single mothers, single mothers with attitude, single mummas, solo mothering 2 CommentsA is for Attitude. You’ll develop it after years of single motherhood
B is for Breeder’s regret, as in I picked him to be the father of kids? What was I thinking? Breed with a man not a boy
B is also for Bribery, a helpful device in the single mother tool kit
C is for Can I share custody with this man in five years time?
D is for Don’t know how you do it, translation: I don’t want your life, it looks too hard
E is for End of summer, a day celebrated by single mothers whenever children go back to school after months of holidays
F is for Frustration, i.e. speaking to any government department about collecting money for your kids from your children’s father
G is for Glamorous, what single mothers become when their offspring visit their father
H is for Halloween, lots of free lollies for your deprived children
I is for I’m a single mother this week, what coupled up ladies say when their partner is away for more than two days
J is for “Just wait ’til you become a mother.” Frequently said by single mums to their kids
K is for Know It All Children AKA other people’s children
L is for Long ago and far away I used to be young, free and sassy
M is for Mothering Monday, the second Monday in May. Easily the best day to receive bargain flowers, soap and sympathy. Boxes of sweet fancies go cheap on this day.
N is for No money until pay day
O is for Oh My God, tinned spaghetti again?
P is for Perfect families, fictitious people who make children of single mothers envious
Q is for Queen of budgeting
R is for Red Cordial, what you give your kids when they’re going to meet your ex’s new girlfriend for the first time
S is for Sanity, what you lose when you become a single mother
S is also for Schooligan
The little rat in your kid’s class with parents who insist their child is a saint
T is for Teens, the beasts your kids turn into before they become lovely adults who thank you for your sacrifices
U is for Unbelievable, the amount politicians think you can live on
V is for Vinnies, the clothing boutique of choice for most single mothers
W is for Wild side, staying up past 10pm on a school night
W is also for Would, as in I would talk to my ex but I don’t speak moron
X is for Exhausted, permanently
Y is for Y did I choose to live like this?
Z is for Zone Out: what single mums do when married breeders talk about their cleaner
Share this:
Pretendo
Posted: April 9, 2014 Filed under: LOVE | Tags: bad at love but good at funny, emotional baggage handler, imaginary boyfriends, love and other problems, made up relationships, sad lonely single mother seeks Mike Brady for blended dysfunctional family, single mother delusions, single mother dreaming, single mother fantasies, TLC - No Scrubs 4 CommentsA woman said to me at a party recently, “You really have to get it right when you’re picking the husband who is going to be the father of your children.” I wanted to punch her in the face and say, ‘thanks so much for reminding me that I’m a really bad picker. That’s why I went out of my way to choose someone who refuses to support his children.”
I’m such a bad picker it is best that I only have imaginary boyfriends. Last night as I reheated old beans for dinner, I said to I-mag boyfriend, ‘where are you when I need you?’ My fantasy boyfriend makes the bed, buys me expensive restaurant meals, takes out the garbage and doesn’t mind that I am a professional fool.
Maybe us old feminist gals don’t have time for in-real-life boyfriends. How can we plan the revolution when we’re busy whispering sweet nothings into someone’s hairy ear? Luckily social media saved me from my mad late night musings and I didn’t have to be depressed and alone for too long. Another new boyfriend sent me a Facebook message at midnight which just about saved my life:
Hello,I’m Justin jack ,an Engineer live in England a divorcee.Your profile caught my attention! You look so cute and charming, saw your profile and was moved with what i saw. I will like to know you more.I want to learn more about you.I wait for your response.
Oh yippee!
Share this:
My bloody Valentine
Posted: February 14, 2014 Filed under: LOVE | Tags: 14 February, 80s hairdos, chocolates, chocolates from my imaginary sweethearts, day for the desperate, George Michael, inundated with flowers cards and love letters, Kiss - I was made for loving you, lonely single mothers, looking for love in all the wrong places, love, love lives of the rich and famous, lovelorn, popularity contest, popularity contest I win, sad lonely single mother seeks Mike Brady for blended dysfunctional family, Sexy single mothers, single mother delusions, single mother dreaming, the wisdom and words of George Michael, Valentine's Day, Valentines Day flowers 2 CommentsToday I feel sorry for my postman, he’ll be off on compo for months after breaking his back delivering 1000s of cards, flowers, chocolates, garden gnomes, truffles, pet pigs and poison pen letters to my front door. I’ll give him a big hug and all my love when he gets out of hospital. I’m sure my 157 Facebook boyfriends have sent me their bank account details as well. As I reflect on the sorry state of my love life this Valentine’s Day, AKA VD or Singles Appreciation Day (thank you teenage daughter for that bit of wisdom) I’m thinking of the words of my spiritual guru George Michael,
“It’s so hard to love, there’s so much to hate, when there is no hope to speak of….” I don’t know how George Michael knew about my future love life and unsuccessful internet dating attempts when he wrote that song back in the glory days of the 1980s, but I feel there’s something in those profound words for all of us.
loupollard 
Single mother expense rorts
Posted: January 4, 2014 | Author: loupollard | Filed under: FEMINISM, Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: an empty purse fills the face with wrinkles, blowing the budget, cash for comments, expense accounts, I want money, irrational resolve, Phyllis Diller quotes, political rorts, regret, single mother delusions, that's what I want, the best things in life are free, The Flying Lizards - Money, your love won't pay my bills | 2 CommentsBloody Santa forgot to bring me an unlimited expense account, a platinum credit card and a billionaire husband, so as a single mother in 2014 I’m right into cash for comments. An empty wallet fills the face with wrinkles after all. Single mother ailments include: regret, despair and irrational thoughts; hang on that’s just motherhood, single or not.
Raising children can be a financial disaster so single mothers need a steady source of income that doesn’t involve prostitution or selling said children on eBay. Large bills and small children are a stressful mix so we can pretend that everything will be fine or delve into the murky world of political expense rorts. I propose a single mother ‘cash for comments’ scheme, where every time a politician states the bleeding obvious on television he is fined and the money put towards raising the children of our nation who have been abandoned by fathers who won’t pay child support. I’m sure Tony Abbott will love it.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them” — Phyllis Diller
Share this: